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MAGAZINE INTERVIEW WITH BETH PATTERSON: “DHARMA THERAPY FOR TRUE WELL-BEING”

I am honored to have been interviewed by Eastern Horizon, the magazine of the Young Buddhist Association of Malaysia (YBAM) (https://ybam.org.my/en/eastern-horizon/e-magazine/) about the inspiration and insights Buddhism brings to my personal life and work as a psychotherapist and grief counselor. I am grateful to YBAM for giving me permission to share this article.

 

Beth Patterson is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Grief Counselor in Oregon, USA. She is also a Clinical Supervisor for crisis workers at CAHOOTS – Crisis Assistance Helping Out on the Streets — a mobile crisis intervention program that provides support for the police departments in Eugene and Springfield, Oregon, providing initial contact and crisis counseling for people who are dealing with homelessness, substance abuse or illness.

Beth’s professional practice is informed by her longtime Buddhist practice and deep belief that we all have the inherent wisdom to use our losses and other life challenges and transitions to grow and heal. As a former attorney and executive in the music industry, Beth also counsels musicians and others in the arts.

She explains to Benny Liow what brought her to Buddhism, the inspiration she had from her Tibetan Buddhist teacher Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche, and what is true happiness and well-being, especially the usual material happiness we are familiar with and the kind of happiness taught by the Buddha. She also shared suggestions from her e-book Love without Limit: Reflections of a Buddhist Psychotherapist on how to deal with depression, anxiety, grief and trauma, and in navigating life’s challenges with mindfulness, love and compassion.

Benny: You have been a successful entertainment lawyer and now a counselor and psychotherapist, as well as a Buddhist teacher. What inspired you in Buddhism initially and until now?

Beth: I grew up in the Jewish tradition, which, like Christianity, is a monotheistic religion. I remember questioning at a young age the idea that there was a being more powerful than me, to whom I needed to hand over my power to achieve happiness. From that time on, I believe that we have the inherent power in ourselves to grow and heal. I discovered Buddhism in college, and its tenets validated my beliefs.

I began studying and practicing in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition in the late 1980s, and took refuge with Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche in New York City in the early 1990s, and later became his student. I have served in Ponlop Rinpoche’s international organization, Nalandabodhi International, out of my devotion to Rinpoche and the Three Jewels – the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha.

I am grateful every day for the support of the Three Jewels: The Buddha as an inspiration that enlightenment is available to all of us, and a reminder of all beings’ inherent Buddha Nature; the Dharma that teaches us how to live well, navigate life’s challenges and be of benefit to all beings; and the Sangha as a supportive community of fellow travelers on the Buddhist path.

The Buddha advised us to reflect daily on birth, old age, sickness and death. How can this lead to happiness and well-being – won’t we become negative towards the beauty of life?

To me, it is just the opposite: Knowing that everything ends, moment by moment, inspires me to appreciate the beauty of life. For example, it is now Autumn where I live in the Pacific Northwest. It is such a poignant time of year. The brilliant leaves and the crisp, clear air remind me that those brilliant leaves will soon fall and the clear crisp air will turn to a season of cold and rain. Actually, change is the good news! If things didn’t change, we’d be stuck in a rut, and there would be no opportunity to transform our lives.

Reflecting on birth, old age, sickness and death connects us to The Four Noble Truths, Buddha’s first teaching after he attained enlightenment under the Bodhi tree in India. As a young, sheltered and wealthy young man, Prince Siddhartha had no understanding of the truth of suffering that comes with birth, old age, sickness and death, let alone their inevitability. was only when he left the palace and went on his journey to find the Truth that he was able to get in touch with the suffering of all beings, including his own. Without the knowledge and experience of suffering, enlightenment is not possible.

Each life transition, and the inevitable changes in life, is also a grief process. Even positive changes can come with a sense of grief – we are letting go of something to attain something more beneficial. For example, when I work with people with addictions, I work with it them with my lens as a grief counselor. People with addictions need to say goodbye to the habits, friends and lifestyle they have had in order to have a healthier one.

As a grief counselor, I have come to realize that allowing ourselves to deeply feel our grief opens us to its universality. Grief counselors are fond of working with grief models, like the five stages of grief espoused by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. I have come up with my own model of working through grief: We start out asking “Why me?”, then “Why not me?” and then “Yes, everyone.”

Through allowing ourselves to fully experience our grief and express our suffering regarding birth, old age, sickness and death, we can see that there is a way out of that suffering, through working with it as a fact of life, and finding a meaningful way to grow, transforming hopelessness into hope and possibility. Through experiencing our own unique grief, we can tap into its universality, lessening our hopelessness and isolation, and deepening our connection with others and the human condition.

I reflect on impermanence – birth, old age, sickness and death — daily, reminding myself that what is born will die – moment by moment. Contemplating impermanence gives me the impetus to live my life as well as possible, with kindness toward myself and all beings, so that those moments will be good ones.

In your e-book Love without Limit: Reflections of a Buddhist Psychotherapist, you mentioned that happiness is already within each of us, just waiting to be discovered. What is this happiness that the Buddha is referring to, and how is it different or similar to our usual understanding of happiness?

This questions brings to mind a classic American country song, “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places.” Humans tend to look for happiness by collecting more possessions, seeking praise and love from others and attaining wealth, thinking these external things will bring us true happiness. However, the “happiness” we get from these external things is fleeting at best. True happiness comes from the only thing that lasts, that is, our heart of kindness, our Buddha Nature.

The Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh has said “The present moment is full of joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.” Each moment is perfect just as it is. The problem is that we often live in the past, dwelling on regrets, or in the future, full of hope and fear. Each moment is perfect, just as it is, and the only way we can experience happiness is in the present moment.

Therapy is not just about talking about the past, as many incorrectly assume. Rather, the psychotherapist’s goal is to work with the client in the here and now, while both therapist and client observe how past experiences inform the present moment. Psychotherapy works best when the past is re-experienced in
the present, in a safe and non- judgmental space. It is not about just talking about the past, but feeling the accompanying body sensations and emotions as fully as possible, and experiencing the energy and dynamics of the relationship between the therapist and client.

As the client-therapist relationship grows, and the client is able to trust the therapist to maintain
a safe environment, the client can re-experience the past more fully, and can then learn from and heal past wounds and transform the present. Many of my clients who have experienced trauma feel so unsafe that experiencing life moment to moment seems impossible for them. They hide behind the stories they have told themselves that they are not worthy of love, or that the traumas they have endured are their fault. As we work to disarm those negative self-beliefs, the client is more able to experience each present moment more fully, heightening their ability to experience true happiness.

In your book, you also mentioned helpful suggestions for dealing with depression, anxiety, grief and trauma, and for navigating life’s challenges with mindfulness, love and compassion. If mindfulness is objective non-judgement, how does one then cultivate love and compassion which tends to be more emotional and subjective?

The love and compassion that mindfulness and Buddhism talk about is limitless and boundless. It is not limited to a choice few, but to all beings. Reciting The Four Immeasurables, the four boundless positive qualities of equanimity (upekkhā), lovingkindness (mettā), compassion (karuṇā), and sympathetic joy (muditā), helps us cultivate non-judgmental, limitless compassion. Equanimity is the foundation for seeing each moment freshly, with non-judgment. This accords with Jon Kabat- Zinn’s definition of mindfulness as “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non- judgmentally, in the service of self- understanding and wisdom.” With equanimity as the foundation, our emotional and subjective clinging is dissolved, and the boundless states of lovingkindness, compassion and sympathetic joy can flourish, becoming available to ourselves and all beings with exception.

Furthermore, many clients with depression have tunnel vision, just thinking about their own troubles, and that no one suffers like they do. As we begin to let go of our ego- clinging, that tunnel vision opens into a more panoramic view. We then understand that all of us suffer, and can develop lovingkindness and compassion for ourselves and all beings.

In one of your writings, you mentioned that you applied the Four Noble truths, a core Buddhist teaching, to overcome suffering when you had chronic pain. Isn’t the teachings of the Buddha meant more for overcoming mental suffering rather than physical suffering? Can you share your experience with us?

There is a well-worn adage “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” My chronic pain has offered a valuable opportunity to work to separate my mental suffering from the direct physical sensations of pain. In other words, honing in on the physical sensations, such as burning or throbbing in the location of my pain becomes the object of my meditation. Mental suffering arises when I stray from the direct experience of those feelings into my thoughts about the pain, whether self-pity, fear or myriad other negative thoughts. The Buddha calls this “shooting ourselves with the second arrow.” The first arrow is the pain, which is inevitable, and the second arrow is all the associated negative thoughts, which are optional. Being able to separate my pain from suffering has brought me great relief.

When I bemoan the perceived injustice of having a chronic pain condition, I am shooting myself with a second arrow. My mindfulness practice allows me to notice my thoughts and judgments as they arise, let them go and return to the object of my meditation. When I am experiencing pain, I allow that to be the object of my meditation. As thoughts and judgments arise, I notice them lightly and return to the direct experience of pain. When I work with my pain directly in this way, I am fully in the present moment. My thoughts, judgments and resistance are gone, and so is the suffering that I have added to the pain with those thoughts, judgments and resistance. In that present moment, I am liberated from my suffering.

Many times, our mental suffering arise because of too much self- criticism. How do we balance too much of self-criticism and self-praise so that we can adopt a more equanimous mind state?

The Buddhist path is all about the “middle way.” When Shakyamuni Buddha was asked how to meditate, he responded “not too tight, not too loose, analogizing the experience to tuning a lute – If the strings are too loose, the lute won’t play, and if they are too tight, they will break. The same can be applied to working with self-criticism and self-praise. When we find ourselves in a state of self-criticism, we can go to the opposite extreme of self-praise. The key is to find a middle way, where we are kind to ourselves without going overboard in the other direction to self-praise. That middle way opens us to a sense of spaciousness and gentleness, and as you say, a calm and equanimous state of mind.

The key to creating a more calm and equanimous state of mind is to remember that there is no “I”, and to not take things personally. We suffer when we believe in a solid sense of “I.” This is the fundamental tenet of the first of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism. Developing an understanding of this First Noble Truth is the key to the experience of freedom and ease. Not taking things personally may take practice, patience and mindfulness in order to let go of our need to be right or defend our position. The result is
a more kind and compassionate relationship, both with ourselves and with others.

It is common for us to think that the “grass is always greener the other side.” How do we navigate between being contented with what we have, and a couldn’t care less attitude of not even wanting to improve or try to be better?

The most common complaint Ihear from depressed clients in my psychotherapy practice can be summed up in two words: “Not enough.” A common plight of human beings is dissatisfaction, and may be expressed as “I’m not good enough”; “My partner isn’t good enough”; “My job isn’t good enough” … and the list goes on and on.

From a Buddhist perspective, the poverty mentality of “not enough” is depicted as a hungry ghost, a being with a tiny mouth, skinny neck, arms and legs, and an enormous stomach. Because the hungry ghost’s mouth and neck are so small, not enough food ever reaches its huge stomach. The hungry ghost is always hungry. Because its arms and legs are so skinny, the hungry ghost is unable to hold on to anything. Nothing can satisfy the hungry ghost.

We are rarely satisfied with who we are and what we have accomplished. As a result, humans are in perpetual motion, seeking fulfillment and satisfaction outside of ourselves, but never finding it until we realize that we are whole and complete as we are. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try to achieve goals that bring us satisfaction and, more importantly, bring benefit to others. For myself, that entailed a major shift, first leaving a high paying job as a corporate entertainment lawyer to work with musicians, often for free, and then changing careers entirely, becoming a Buddhist psychotherapist in my early 50s. I get the most satisfaction from sharing the wisdom I have gained through my life experiences – including the many mistakes I have made along the way.

As a practicing Buddhist and a psychotherapist what would you say is the most important attitude we should cultivate if we wish for well-being and happiness in life? An attitude of gratitude and appreciation for all is the most important attitude for cultivating well-being and happiness. I often suggest that clients write down every day five things they are grateful for that happened that day. Some find this difficult because
of what I call the “yeah buts” – a common refrain from depressed clients. They may say something to the effect of “yeah but, I don’t feel grateful about anything.” I counter with “What about the fact that the sun is shining? Did you hear the beautiful song of that bird outside our window?” It takes practice to observe and take time to appreciate the small joys of life. I believe this is the key to cultivating well-being and happiness in life.

Having a sense of humor also helps us cultivate well-being and happiness. A sense of humor helps us not take things – especially ourselves – so seriously. For example, competitiveness is a habitual tendency (klesha in Sanskrit) of mine. When I see it rear its head, I’m able to step back and laugh at it, saying to myself “oh, hello, klesha. Thanks for showing up, but I don’t need you to stick around.” It really helps! A sense of humor can get us out of our ego-driven tunnel vision and self- centeredness. It helps us see things from a bigger, more panoramic perspective, making problems that seem insurmountable more workable. EH

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COLLECTIVE TRAUMA AND GRIEF AND THE DEATH OF ROE V. WADE

I knew it was coming, but when I saw the words “ROE VERSUS WADE OVERTURNED” splashed across my computer screen, I had no words – only tears.  The Supreme Court’s decision has triggered me in many ways — and I know I’m not alone.  Many women and others throughout this country are in the throes of profound collective trauma and grief.

My feelings after reading about the death of Roe were – and remain –  a mixture of shock, outrage and profound grief.   I came of age during the invigorating and hopeful days of the Women’s Liberation Movement.  My generation worked hard to gain those rights. The Supreme Court’s decision in Roe v. Wade in 1973 validated the gains made by women and the pride we felt:   We had a voice, autonomy and respect that was long denied.   Now our voices, autonomy and respect are being dismissed, and the rights we fought so hard far are now being stripped away.

I have worked hard through the years, as a therapist specializing in traumatic grief, in my own therapy and in my meditation practice,  to let go of the myriad feelings of shame and trauma I’ve experienced as a woman.  The Court’s death knell to the federal recognition of a woman’s right to make responsible choices about her body and life have brought those feelings back to the fore.  It feels like we’re back to the days when it was believed that women’s voices and choices can’t be trusted, and shouldn’t even be heard.

Justice Alito’s words justifying the removal of the constitutional protections granted by Roe reek of misogyny.  The Court’s decision will lead many women like me to re-experience the shame and trauma we have felt in our personal or professional lives.  A particular trigger for me is feeling invisible or left out.  The ruling feels like a stab in the back, bringing back those feelings.  I now remember like it was yesterday my days as an executive in the male-dominated music business, where I often felt invalidated and ignored.  It is retraumatizing now to recall how I would make a point only for it to be ignored.  And then one of my male colleagues would say the exact same thing and it was heard.

So, my grief and outrage are now mingled with fear.  The five hard-liners on the Court rely on the original intent of the Founders to justify their position.  The Constitution doesn’t even mention the word “women.” I am experiencing trauma and fear as I think of whose rights will be stolen next.

We are no longer the United States of America, but a country fractured and divided seemingly beyond repair.  I am grateful that I live in a progressive state that believes in and supports a woman’s right to choose.  Rather than progressing and keeping up with the changing times, we have regressed all the way back to this country’s founding – with white men taking what was not theirs to take.  The five hard-liners’ relied on the words and intentions of the white men who wrote the Constitution many centuries ago.  Many of them were slaveholders and all of whom lived on lands stolen from their rightful owners.  Using “original intent” as a justification to strip away a woman’s right to choose is egregious beyond words.   As the dissenters poignantly wrote “With sorrow — for this court, but more, for the many millions of American women who have today lost a fundamental constitutional protection — we dissent.”

And so do I.

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PRACTICING COMPASSION AND EQUANIMITY FOR “ENEMIES”

During this time of war in Ukraine, I find myself having thoughts that aren’t particularly “Buddhist”, like wishing Putin would just die.  As Ponlop Rinpoche often says, the greater our negative emotions, the greater our opportunity to transform them into compassion and wisdom.

According to the Buddhist teachings, all beings – even those we consider evil – possess “Buddha Nature” or basic goodness.  We were all born with this basic goodness, and life gets in the way and obscures that basic goodness.  An analogy for basic goodness is the sun:  It is always in the sky, even when obscured by clouds or darkness. Practicing compassion and equanimity with people like Putin is certainly challenging.  I remind myself that  those who commit evil deeds have Buddha Nature, and due to their fears and doubts, it is greatly obscured. However, I have found that practicing for those I consider my enemies greatly increases my capacity to care for all beings, including myself.

The Tibetan Buddhist practice of tonglen, which translates as  “sending and receiving,” is a powerful compassion practice. In practicing tonglen, we take in others’ suffering, and send them healing and compassion.  Each time you breathe in, you take in others’ pain and suffering. You take it into your heart, where it is transmuted, transformed into compassion. Then you breathe out, and send them healing and love.

Tonglen became a mainstay of my healing from the trauma of witnessing firsthand the horrors of 9/11. It was fairly easy for me to practice compassion for myself, those who died and their loved ones, and all others who witnessed the planes crash, whether in person or on the news. What truly healed me was practicing tonglen and developing compassion for the young hijackers who flew the planes into the World Trade Center.  I saw them as confused young men who abandoned their lovingkindness and basic goodness in the name of religious zealotry.

The transformative power of tonglen lies in directly experiencing that we are all born with basic goodness, and that our suffering, borne of clinging to a solid sense of self, obscures our basic goodness and lovingkindness as we move through life’s challenges.

Practicing equanimity is another transformative practice that helps me in difficult times like these..  It is a powerful way to let go of negativity and an “us versus them” mentality.  Vietnamese Buddhist master Thich Nhat Han has said that equanimity involves seeing everyone as equal:  “We shed all discrimination and prejudice, and remove all boundaries between ourselves and others.  In a conflict, even though we are deeply concerned, we remain impartial, able to love and to understand both sides.”[a]

When I find myself getting caught in negativity about Putin, I take a breath and step back.  I’ve made it a practice to look at his eyes and see his fear, isolation and suffering.  As Zen teacher Ezra Bayda says:

 “[F]ear makes our life narrow and dark.  It is at the root of all conflict, underlying much of our sorrow.  Fear also…disconnects us from the lovingkindness that is our true nature.”[b]

Understanding Putin in this way helps me practice compassion and equanimity, not only for him, but for all others who have suffered because of war.  May they all discover the “lovingkindness that is [their] true nature.”

 

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[a] Thich Nhat Han (1997).  The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching.  New York:  Broadway Books, p. 162.

[b] Ezra Bayda (Spring 2009). “The Three Things We Fear Most.”  Tricycle.

 

 

 

© 2022.  Beth S. Patterson.  All rights reserved.

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SELF-COMPASSION TAKES COURAGE

Self-compassion requires looking honestly and courageously at our suffering, and then responding to that suffering with love. We tend to resist looking deeply, and instead create all sorts of strategies for avoiding the experience of suffering.  Without the courage to look and not run away, self-compassion is not possible.

My deep-seated tendency to feel judged affects my ability to truly listen and stay present, especially in difficult conversations.  I become argumentative, get defensive, shut down, feel resentful. I hold tightly to my position, and don’t really hear what the other person is trying to communicate.  Self-compassion and compassion for the other fly out the window.

So, I decided to try something new after a recent difficult conversation, using the self-inquiry tool developed by members of my Buddhist community Nalandabodhi, to deal with interpersonal conflicts.  Among the inquiries are the following:

  • Have I reflected honestly on my feelings, needs, habitual tendencies and styles of communication so as not to create obstacles to constructive and compassionate communication?
  • Have I reflected on how my speech or actions may, even inadvertently, have contributed to the conflict or misunderstanding?
  • Have I taken responsibility for my view, actions and speech, rather than attributing blame to others?
  • Am I willing to value kindness and open-mindedness above vindication or being “right” and to intend a “win-win” rather than “win-lose” outcome?

Reflecting on and responding honestly to these questions was a real eye-opener for me.   In particular, I looked at my tendency to respond defensively when I feel judged.  Looking at this tendency directly and honestly brought me to tears, as I  remembered how often I felt judged and criticized, even as a young child.  I cried for that hurt little girl, holding her with compassion.  In the process of looking honestly and clearly, all the story lines, justifications and defensiveness dissolved.

Self-compassion is not self-indulgence.  Self-indulgence includes holding on to the stories we tell ourselves to justify our actions and reactions.  In contrast, it takes courage to let go of our story lines, and look honestly at our responses.  An  old therapist would often ask me “So what are you going to do about it?” when I complained and said words to the effect “well, that’s because my mother was so judgmental.”  My therapist’s response used to irk me, but I now find it empowering.

In difficult interactions, it’s easy to focus our attention on the other person, attributing all kinds of blame on them, and maybe even try to “fix” them.  When we ignore our own responses, we miss the opportunity to deeply understand our discomfort, and cannot meet our pain with compassion.  Looking deeply at our responses, especially our deeply ingrained negative tendencies and using the tools of self-inquiry takes courage.  It’s the only way out of our suffering and into living fully and authentically.

 

©2021.  Beth S. Patterson.  All rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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NAVIGATING THE POST-PANDEMIC “NEW NORMAL”:  A GRIEF COUNSELOR’S PERSPECTIVE

As a grief counselor, I have viewed the stages of pandemic life as a grief process, especially now as I  anticipate  a “new normal” in post-pandemic life.  Now that I’m vaccinated and can go mask-less in most places, I feel anxious and uncertain.  I have come to equate mask wearing and social distancing with safety.  Will I now feel more free, or more exposed and unsafe?

Grief counselor J. William Worden’s tasks of mourning model[i]  has helped me navigate the various phases of the pandemic.  Worden describes the four tasks of grief as: (1) accepting the reality of the loss; (2) processing the pain of grief, (3) adjusting to a world without our loved one, or in the case of the pandemic, without our daily routines; and (4) finding an enduring connection with who or what has been lost while embarking on a new life.

We have largely worked through the first three tasks of grief described above.  Generally speaking, we have accepted the reality of the pandemic, (the first task) and processed the pain of the losses endured during the pandemic (the second task).  With respect to the third task, we have made many adjustments to our lives over the last fourteen months, including lockdowns, face masks, social distancing and life on Zoom.

We are now on the threshold of the fourth task of grief: embarking on a new post-pandemic life.  This  task of grief involves creating a balance between remembering our loss and living a full and meaningful life.  I know that despite the difficulties I endured during this time, I have also learned so much, and have so much to appreciate.

Nonetheless, anxiety and uncertainty about the “new normal” abound:  What will the “new normal” look like in a world where I can again socialize without masks and social distancing, as Covid-19 becomes a thing of the past.  Will my favorite lockdown YouTube dogs Olive and Mabel continue their antics with play-by-play from their Scottish sportscaster “dad”?  How can I justify binge watching shows on Netflix and Hulu once the pandemic is over?

There are some things about life during this time of pandemic that I will actually miss.  Being an introvert, I have been comfortable staying home without feeling guilty about it.  Practicing with and getting to know my Buddhist community throughout the world on Zoom has been an enormous benefit, and I’ve developed many new connections and friendships with people I may not have otherwise met.

In navigating this fourth task of grief, I have found it helpful to contemplate and journal about  what this time has meant to me. Here are some questions to contemplate to help you move forward and navigate the  post-pandemic “new normal”:

  • What have I learned about myself during this time of pandemic loss?
  • What do I want to keep from this grief process, and what do I want to discard?
  • Have my values or spiritual beliefs changed during this time, and if so, how?
  • What do I appreciate about how I have navigated the pandemic?
  • What did I take for granted before the pandemic that I no longer want to take for granted?

May your journey be fruitful, and may you flourish as you shed your pandemic masks.

 

 

© 2021. Beth S. Patterson.  All rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[i] Worden, J.W. (2009).  Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy:  A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th ed., New York:  Springer.

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LIVING WITH CUMULATIVE GRIEF:  SOME TIPS FOR SELF-CARE

I seem to wake up to news every day that magnifies the sense of loss that has become an undercurrent of my daily life.  The deaths of loved ones, the daily losses of the pandemic, social injustices and divisiveness can leave me feeling stretched thin, like a rubber band about to break.  I know that my experience is hardly unique, and seems to be universal.  Grief counselors call what we are experiencing “cumulative grief.”

The experience of grief can be physically and emotionally stressful, and that stress is compounded when we are experiencing cumulative grief.   Here are some suggestions for taking care of yourself at this time:

  • When your feelings of grief comes up intensely, take a “mindful gap” to breathe and feel the physical sensations. Feel their intensity and then relax and let them go – over and over again if necessary.
  • Because grief is so stressful on our bodies, be sure to eat nourishing foods (with the occasional indulgence in “comfort food”), and get plenty of rest.
  • Move your body. Mindful walking is one of the most effective tools for moving through grief.
  • Allow yourself to cry when tears come. And, at the risk of sounding like my dear departed mother, make sure to drink plenty of water, because crying is dehydrating.
  • Maintain your meditation and other spiritual practices. If you can’t meditate some days as long as you had intended, give yourself a break, but continue to practice on a regular basis.
  • Solitude can be helpful, but isolation is not. Avoid the urge to isolate yourself.  Reaching out to just one person a day can help us avoid the
  • Express your emotions in journaling, painting, collage or other creative form of expression. The word “ex-press” means to push out – We’re pushing out all the intense feelings and giving them space so that they’re workable.
  • Talk to others who can listen. If your feelings are particularly intense or distressing, unduly interfering with day-to-day functioning or do not subside to a manageable level over time, reach out to a grief counselor or another professional trained in working with grief.

 

 

 

© 2021 Beth S. Patterson.  All rights reserved.

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IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU

Have you ever noticed that the people in your life have different opinions and viewpoints about you? If the “self” or “I” were solid, how would that be possible? People’s views are merely their own projections, and no two people see things in exactly the same way.

I can now laugh when I remember all those times in my dating life when someone would break up with me saying, “It’s not about you; it’s me.” It used to be really painful to hear this, thinking that something must be wrong with me. What makes me laugh now is that I’ve come to realize that what they said is really true! It’s not “me” those guys were breaking up with; rather it was their projections about who they thought I was.

This concept has been very helpful for me in my personal and professional relationships when I feel judged or criticized. I’ve learned that when I am able to get my ego out of the way, I can actually hear what another person is saying or requesting, without the need to defend myself.

For example, when someone criticizes something I did, my mindless habitual tendency is to immediately defend myself. At those times, when I’m not mindful, my ego rears its head, and I don’t hear the request underlying the criticism or the person’s projections about me. Through mindfulness and discipline, I am now able to let go of my knee-jerk reaction to protect my ego … at least most of the time.

One of the best tools I have found for letting go of the tendency to defend my ego is to slow down and feel the body sensations connected with my emotional response to what I perceive as criticism or judgment. Dzogchen Ponlop, in his book, Emotional Rescue: How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy that Empowers You[i], calls this space  “Mindful Gap.”

For me, it’s a clenching in my stomach and jaw, and fluttering in my heart.  When I am able to slow down without immediately reacting, I take a breath and ask myself what those body sensations are telling me. My body often tells me at those times that I’m feeling hurt and misunderstood.

Here’s a simple practice for working with difficult emotions that arise when you feel judged or criticized:

  • Slow down and feel the body sensations, in the space of Mindful Gap.
  • In the feeling space of Mindful Gap, look and see what your body sensations are telling you, noticing your habitual responses without reacting. Dzogchen Ponlop calls this “Clear Seeing.” The more you practice Clear Seeing you will more quickly recognize your habitual reactions as they arise and not respond in a way that is harmful to yourself and others.
  • Take another deep breath, let go of the tension and relax. In this more relaxed space of what Dzogchen Ponlop calls “Letting go,” you will know the best way to respond (which may be to not respond at all) and relax.

Tibet’s famous yogi, Milarepa, sang that “Mind has even more projections than there are dust motes in the sun.”  I often hum that line to myself when I feel criticized or judged.  I have found this to be a powerful reminder for letting go!

When I’m able to leave my ego at the door, I can breathe into my hurt feelings with self-compassion and let them go. I can then determine what the underlying communication truly is, and respond responsibly. This is the opening into true compassion and connection.

 

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[i]Dzogchen Ponlop. (2016).  Emotional Rescue:  How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion Into Energy That Empowers You.  New York:  Tarchen/Perigee.  For more information about Emotional Rescue courses, go to http://www.emonalrescue.info

© 2020 Beth S. Patterson.   All rights reserved.

 

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DISCONNECTED: A POEM FOR THESE TIMES

DISCONNECTED

I connect via pixels on the computer screen,

And disembodied voices on the phone,

Pinging from cell tower to cell tower.

 

I miss warm hugs with family and friends.

Virtual hugs just aren’t the same

As a good bear hug.

 

I yearn to reach through the screen and touch those pixels,

Hoping they will transform into

A body I can touch, a hand I can hold.

 

And, then there’s the warning that pops up on my screen:

“Your internet connection is unstable.”

No, I want to say.  It’s being disconnected that’s unstable.

 

Yet, I do have my body.

The ground under my feet.

A warm purring cat at my side.

 

I remember to breathe, to feel,

And connect to what is real.

Right now in this very moment.

 

 

 

© 2020 Beth S. Patterson.  All Rights Reserved.

 

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A BUDDHIST APPROACH TO WORKING WITH PAIN:   FROM SUFFERING TO LIBERATION

I have been pondering how to use my Buddhist practice to work with suffering when my chronic pain flares up.   The Buddha’s teachings on The Four Noble Truths came immediately to mind.  These teachings provide a roadmap for living a life free from suffering.  Experiencing my  pain directly, without judgments or resistance, has allowed me to use the Buddha’s roadmap on my journey from suffering to liberation.

 The Four Noble Truths

In his first teaching after attaining liberation, the Buddha taught The Four Noble Truths:  the truth of suffering, the truth of the origin of suffering, the truth of the cessation of suffering, and the truth of the path to liberation from suffering.

The First Noble Truth recognizes the existence of suffering. We humans will do everything we can to resist or deny the existence of suffering.  Paradoxically, resisting or denying the existence of suffering only increases our suffering. Recognizing the existence of suffering, without additional thoughts or denial,  is the first step to letting go of the suffering that accompanies my chronic pain.

The Second Noble Truth, the cause of suffering, is clinging to things – especially ourselves – as real and permanent.   My knee-jerk reaction when my pain flares up is self-pity.  My self-centered thoughts and negative judgments increase my suffering.  When I let go of my thoughts and focus instead on the direct experience of my pain, there is an immediate sense of relief and spaciousness.

Focusing on the pain itself, rather than clinging to it as something unique to myself, leads to the cessation of suffering – The Third Noble Truth.   Working directly with the energy of physical pain has become my path out of the suffering that accompanies my pain. This path is related to the Fourth Noble Truth, the path to liberation from suffering.

“Don’t Shoot the Second Arrow”

The Buddha’s teachings on the “two arrows” has also been extremely helpful for me. When we experience physical or emotional pain, it is like being shot by an arrow.  According to the Buddha, the first arrow is not problem.  After all, we all inevitably experience pain of all kinds in our lives.  The problem is that we then shoot ourselves with a second arrow with our thoughts,  judgments and resistance to the initial pain.  According to Buddhist teachers Jack Kornfield and Donald Rothberg[i]:

According to the Buddha, our reaction [to pain] is equivalent to being shot by a second arrow.  We can call this second arrow suffering. Suffering arises because when we experience pain … we typically react by lashing out, at ourselves and others.  We believe somehow that this will dispel or mitigate the pain.  We act in such a way that a second arrow is shot, at us or others, on account of the pain of the first arrow.  When we act so that the second arrow is shot, we ‘pass on’ the original pain.

When I “lash out” at the perceived injustice of having a chronic pain condition, I am shooting myself with a second arrow.  My mindfulness practice allows me to notice my thoughts and judgments as they arise, let them go and return to the object of my meditation.  When I’m experiencing pain, I allow that to be the object of my meditation.  As thoughts and judgments arise, I notice them lightly and return to the direct experience of pain.

Working Directly with Physical Pain as a Path to Liberation

Here is an exercise for working directly with pain to alleviate the second arrow of suffering that often accompanies it. This exercise can be used for both physical and emotional pain.

  1. Focus on the pain and breathe into it.
  2. Explore the pain with a sense of curiosity:
    • Where  is the pain located?
    • How big is it?
    • What’s its shape?
    • If it had a color, what color would it be?
    • Is it hot or cold?
    • Is it static or does it move or vibrate?
  1. As you explore the pain in this way, notice how it shifts and moves. This is a good reminder that everything is impermanent.
  2. Remember that we all experience pain during our journey on the Four Rivers of Life — birth, old age, sickness and death.

When I work with my pain directly in this way, I am fully in the present moment. My thoughts, judgments and resistance are gone, and so is the suffering that I’ve added to the pain with those thoughts, judgments and resistance. In that present moment, I am liberated from my suffering.   As the old adage goes, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”

 

Reference:

[i] D. Rothberg & J. Kornfield (2006).  The Engaged Spiritual Life:  A Buddhist Approach to Transforming Ourselves and the World. Boston:  Beacon Press.

 

© 2020 Beth S. Patterson.  All rights reserved.

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HEALING PANDEMIC GRIEF:  WHO AM I NOW?

Now that the pandemic has entered a new phase, I am contemplating how to heal pandemic grief.  I am asking myself many questions:  What will my life look like as things get back to “normal”?  Can I really go back to the way things were?  What have I learned from this loss that I can carry forward in my life to be of benefit to myself and others?

As grief educator Ken Doka has said, “Whenever we experience a loss…it helps to recognize that loss and grief have changed us.  We cannot go back to the way we were before. Our situations are different.  We are different as well.”

Instead of pondering what is widely called the “new normal”, perhaps it is more beneficial to contemplate the “new me.”  Indeed, who am I now?

I have been learning so much about myself during this pandemic, spending more time with myself without my usual distractions.  On the one hand, I see my neuroses more clearly, and I don’t always like what I see.  On the flip side, I have learned to be more patient and compassionate with myself, neuroses and all.

I am also seeing more clearly what is important to me now, and what I want to bring forward into my life, both for myself and others, as I move into the post-pandemic world.   As Zen teacher Vanessa Zuisei Goddard says:

What we need is the willingness to look honestly at our wants and our choices and ask ourselves, does this make sense—not just for me, not just for now, but for everyone and for our future?”  What sort of “normal” do we want to return to when the worst of the pandemic is behind us? Stepping forward from this point, what kind of world will we co-create?”

At the beginning of the pandemic, I made all kinds of grand plans: to read those 1000 page dharma books, meditate for three hours a day, and on and on.  After berating myself for a while for not living up to those expectations, I’ve decided to let myself be.  Spending time with my cat purring in my lap, looking at the birds in my backyard, pulling weeds in my garden…This is all practice too, and has been so freeing.  Intentionally sitting and letting myself be bathed in all of my senses is the best meditation practice of all.

Practices for healing pandemic grief:

There are times when I am afraid that I will drown in profound grief and anxiety, hopelessness and despair.  I’ve also found ways out of these intense emotional states that have lifted me up me when I am afraid of drowning in them.   Here are some practices you can use:

  1.  Connect with gratitude. If you are finding this difficult because of your grief and despair, at the end of the day, write down five things you are grateful for that happened that day.  The little things count most, like hearing a beautiful birdsong, seeing a plant bloom, smelling a delicious meal before tasting it.
  2. Connect with your senses. Intentionally tune in to all of your senses – touch, sight, smell, sound, taste, with whatever you are doing.
  3. Contemplate interconnectedness. We often feel that we are a single identity, alone in the world.  The truth is that we and everything around us is interconnected.
  4. Express your appreciation. We often take the people in our lives  — including ourselves — for granted.  Letting them know you appreciate them opens our hearts to ourselves and to them.  After all, we are all truly interconnected.
  5. Memorialize your self-discoveries and new intentions. Use this time to notice how this time has changed you.  Journal, paint or draw about who you are now, and the world you want to create for yourself and others going forward.

 

© 2020. Beth S. Patterson.  All rights reserved.