Growth and Transformation

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MAGAZINE INTERVIEW WITH BETH PATTERSON: “DHARMA THERAPY FOR TRUE WELL-BEING”

I am honored to have been interviewed by Eastern Horizon, the magazine of the Young Buddhist Association of Malaysia (YBAM) (https://ybam.org.my/en/eastern-horizon/e-magazine/) about the inspiration and insights Buddhism brings to my personal life and work as a psychotherapist and grief counselor. I am grateful to YBAM for giving me permission to share this article.

 

Beth Patterson is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Grief Counselor in Oregon, USA. She is also a Clinical Supervisor for crisis workers at CAHOOTS – Crisis Assistance Helping Out on the Streets — a mobile crisis intervention program that provides support for the police departments in Eugene and Springfield, Oregon, providing initial contact and crisis counseling for people who are dealing with homelessness, substance abuse or illness.

Beth’s professional practice is informed by her longtime Buddhist practice and deep belief that we all have the inherent wisdom to use our losses and other life challenges and transitions to grow and heal. As a former attorney and executive in the music industry, Beth also counsels musicians and others in the arts.

She explains to Benny Liow what brought her to Buddhism, the inspiration she had from her Tibetan Buddhist teacher Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche, and what is true happiness and well-being, especially the usual material happiness we are familiar with and the kind of happiness taught by the Buddha. She also shared suggestions from her e-book Love without Limit: Reflections of a Buddhist Psychotherapist on how to deal with depression, anxiety, grief and trauma, and in navigating life’s challenges with mindfulness, love and compassion.

Benny: You have been a successful entertainment lawyer and now a counselor and psychotherapist, as well as a Buddhist teacher. What inspired you in Buddhism initially and until now?

Beth: I grew up in the Jewish tradition, which, like Christianity, is a monotheistic religion. I remember questioning at a young age the idea that there was a being more powerful than me, to whom I needed to hand over my power to achieve happiness. From that time on, I believe that we have the inherent power in ourselves to grow and heal. I discovered Buddhism in college, and its tenets validated my beliefs.

I began studying and practicing in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition in the late 1980s, and took refuge with Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche in New York City in the early 1990s, and later became his student. I have served in Ponlop Rinpoche’s international organization, Nalandabodhi International, out of my devotion to Rinpoche and the Three Jewels – the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha.

I am grateful every day for the support of the Three Jewels: The Buddha as an inspiration that enlightenment is available to all of us, and a reminder of all beings’ inherent Buddha Nature; the Dharma that teaches us how to live well, navigate life’s challenges and be of benefit to all beings; and the Sangha as a supportive community of fellow travelers on the Buddhist path.

The Buddha advised us to reflect daily on birth, old age, sickness and death. How can this lead to happiness and well-being – won’t we become negative towards the beauty of life?

To me, it is just the opposite: Knowing that everything ends, moment by moment, inspires me to appreciate the beauty of life. For example, it is now Autumn where I live in the Pacific Northwest. It is such a poignant time of year. The brilliant leaves and the crisp, clear air remind me that those brilliant leaves will soon fall and the clear crisp air will turn to a season of cold and rain. Actually, change is the good news! If things didn’t change, we’d be stuck in a rut, and there would be no opportunity to transform our lives.

Reflecting on birth, old age, sickness and death connects us to The Four Noble Truths, Buddha’s first teaching after he attained enlightenment under the Bodhi tree in India. As a young, sheltered and wealthy young man, Prince Siddhartha had no understanding of the truth of suffering that comes with birth, old age, sickness and death, let alone their inevitability. was only when he left the palace and went on his journey to find the Truth that he was able to get in touch with the suffering of all beings, including his own. Without the knowledge and experience of suffering, enlightenment is not possible.

Each life transition, and the inevitable changes in life, is also a grief process. Even positive changes can come with a sense of grief – we are letting go of something to attain something more beneficial. For example, when I work with people with addictions, I work with it them with my lens as a grief counselor. People with addictions need to say goodbye to the habits, friends and lifestyle they have had in order to have a healthier one.

As a grief counselor, I have come to realize that allowing ourselves to deeply feel our grief opens us to its universality. Grief counselors are fond of working with grief models, like the five stages of grief espoused by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. I have come up with my own model of working through grief: We start out asking “Why me?”, then “Why not me?” and then “Yes, everyone.”

Through allowing ourselves to fully experience our grief and express our suffering regarding birth, old age, sickness and death, we can see that there is a way out of that suffering, through working with it as a fact of life, and finding a meaningful way to grow, transforming hopelessness into hope and possibility. Through experiencing our own unique grief, we can tap into its universality, lessening our hopelessness and isolation, and deepening our connection with others and the human condition.

I reflect on impermanence – birth, old age, sickness and death — daily, reminding myself that what is born will die – moment by moment. Contemplating impermanence gives me the impetus to live my life as well as possible, with kindness toward myself and all beings, so that those moments will be good ones.

In your e-book Love without Limit: Reflections of a Buddhist Psychotherapist, you mentioned that happiness is already within each of us, just waiting to be discovered. What is this happiness that the Buddha is referring to, and how is it different or similar to our usual understanding of happiness?

This questions brings to mind a classic American country song, “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places.” Humans tend to look for happiness by collecting more possessions, seeking praise and love from others and attaining wealth, thinking these external things will bring us true happiness. However, the “happiness” we get from these external things is fleeting at best. True happiness comes from the only thing that lasts, that is, our heart of kindness, our Buddha Nature.

The Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh has said “The present moment is full of joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.” Each moment is perfect just as it is. The problem is that we often live in the past, dwelling on regrets, or in the future, full of hope and fear. Each moment is perfect, just as it is, and the only way we can experience happiness is in the present moment.

Therapy is not just about talking about the past, as many incorrectly assume. Rather, the psychotherapist’s goal is to work with the client in the here and now, while both therapist and client observe how past experiences inform the present moment. Psychotherapy works best when the past is re-experienced in
the present, in a safe and non- judgmental space. It is not about just talking about the past, but feeling the accompanying body sensations and emotions as fully as possible, and experiencing the energy and dynamics of the relationship between the therapist and client.

As the client-therapist relationship grows, and the client is able to trust the therapist to maintain
a safe environment, the client can re-experience the past more fully, and can then learn from and heal past wounds and transform the present. Many of my clients who have experienced trauma feel so unsafe that experiencing life moment to moment seems impossible for them. They hide behind the stories they have told themselves that they are not worthy of love, or that the traumas they have endured are their fault. As we work to disarm those negative self-beliefs, the client is more able to experience each present moment more fully, heightening their ability to experience true happiness.

In your book, you also mentioned helpful suggestions for dealing with depression, anxiety, grief and trauma, and for navigating life’s challenges with mindfulness, love and compassion. If mindfulness is objective non-judgement, how does one then cultivate love and compassion which tends to be more emotional and subjective?

The love and compassion that mindfulness and Buddhism talk about is limitless and boundless. It is not limited to a choice few, but to all beings. Reciting The Four Immeasurables, the four boundless positive qualities of equanimity (upekkhā), lovingkindness (mettā), compassion (karuṇā), and sympathetic joy (muditā), helps us cultivate non-judgmental, limitless compassion. Equanimity is the foundation for seeing each moment freshly, with non-judgment. This accords with Jon Kabat- Zinn’s definition of mindfulness as “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non- judgmentally, in the service of self- understanding and wisdom.” With equanimity as the foundation, our emotional and subjective clinging is dissolved, and the boundless states of lovingkindness, compassion and sympathetic joy can flourish, becoming available to ourselves and all beings with exception.

Furthermore, many clients with depression have tunnel vision, just thinking about their own troubles, and that no one suffers like they do. As we begin to let go of our ego- clinging, that tunnel vision opens into a more panoramic view. We then understand that all of us suffer, and can develop lovingkindness and compassion for ourselves and all beings.

In one of your writings, you mentioned that you applied the Four Noble truths, a core Buddhist teaching, to overcome suffering when you had chronic pain. Isn’t the teachings of the Buddha meant more for overcoming mental suffering rather than physical suffering? Can you share your experience with us?

There is a well-worn adage “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” My chronic pain has offered a valuable opportunity to work to separate my mental suffering from the direct physical sensations of pain. In other words, honing in on the physical sensations, such as burning or throbbing in the location of my pain becomes the object of my meditation. Mental suffering arises when I stray from the direct experience of those feelings into my thoughts about the pain, whether self-pity, fear or myriad other negative thoughts. The Buddha calls this “shooting ourselves with the second arrow.” The first arrow is the pain, which is inevitable, and the second arrow is all the associated negative thoughts, which are optional. Being able to separate my pain from suffering has brought me great relief.

When I bemoan the perceived injustice of having a chronic pain condition, I am shooting myself with a second arrow. My mindfulness practice allows me to notice my thoughts and judgments as they arise, let them go and return to the object of my meditation. When I am experiencing pain, I allow that to be the object of my meditation. As thoughts and judgments arise, I notice them lightly and return to the direct experience of pain. When I work with my pain directly in this way, I am fully in the present moment. My thoughts, judgments and resistance are gone, and so is the suffering that I have added to the pain with those thoughts, judgments and resistance. In that present moment, I am liberated from my suffering.

Many times, our mental suffering arise because of too much self- criticism. How do we balance too much of self-criticism and self-praise so that we can adopt a more equanimous mind state?

The Buddhist path is all about the “middle way.” When Shakyamuni Buddha was asked how to meditate, he responded “not too tight, not too loose, analogizing the experience to tuning a lute – If the strings are too loose, the lute won’t play, and if they are too tight, they will break. The same can be applied to working with self-criticism and self-praise. When we find ourselves in a state of self-criticism, we can go to the opposite extreme of self-praise. The key is to find a middle way, where we are kind to ourselves without going overboard in the other direction to self-praise. That middle way opens us to a sense of spaciousness and gentleness, and as you say, a calm and equanimous state of mind.

The key to creating a more calm and equanimous state of mind is to remember that there is no “I”, and to not take things personally. We suffer when we believe in a solid sense of “I.” This is the fundamental tenet of the first of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism. Developing an understanding of this First Noble Truth is the key to the experience of freedom and ease. Not taking things personally may take practice, patience and mindfulness in order to let go of our need to be right or defend our position. The result is
a more kind and compassionate relationship, both with ourselves and with others.

It is common for us to think that the “grass is always greener the other side.” How do we navigate between being contented with what we have, and a couldn’t care less attitude of not even wanting to improve or try to be better?

The most common complaint Ihear from depressed clients in my psychotherapy practice can be summed up in two words: “Not enough.” A common plight of human beings is dissatisfaction, and may be expressed as “I’m not good enough”; “My partner isn’t good enough”; “My job isn’t good enough” … and the list goes on and on.

From a Buddhist perspective, the poverty mentality of “not enough” is depicted as a hungry ghost, a being with a tiny mouth, skinny neck, arms and legs, and an enormous stomach. Because the hungry ghost’s mouth and neck are so small, not enough food ever reaches its huge stomach. The hungry ghost is always hungry. Because its arms and legs are so skinny, the hungry ghost is unable to hold on to anything. Nothing can satisfy the hungry ghost.

We are rarely satisfied with who we are and what we have accomplished. As a result, humans are in perpetual motion, seeking fulfillment and satisfaction outside of ourselves, but never finding it until we realize that we are whole and complete as we are. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try to achieve goals that bring us satisfaction and, more importantly, bring benefit to others. For myself, that entailed a major shift, first leaving a high paying job as a corporate entertainment lawyer to work with musicians, often for free, and then changing careers entirely, becoming a Buddhist psychotherapist in my early 50s. I get the most satisfaction from sharing the wisdom I have gained through my life experiences – including the many mistakes I have made along the way.

As a practicing Buddhist and a psychotherapist what would you say is the most important attitude we should cultivate if we wish for well-being and happiness in life? An attitude of gratitude and appreciation for all is the most important attitude for cultivating well-being and happiness. I often suggest that clients write down every day five things they are grateful for that happened that day. Some find this difficult because
of what I call the “yeah buts” – a common refrain from depressed clients. They may say something to the effect of “yeah but, I don’t feel grateful about anything.” I counter with “What about the fact that the sun is shining? Did you hear the beautiful song of that bird outside our window?” It takes practice to observe and take time to appreciate the small joys of life. I believe this is the key to cultivating well-being and happiness in life.

Having a sense of humor also helps us cultivate well-being and happiness. A sense of humor helps us not take things – especially ourselves – so seriously. For example, competitiveness is a habitual tendency (klesha in Sanskrit) of mine. When I see it rear its head, I’m able to step back and laugh at it, saying to myself “oh, hello, klesha. Thanks for showing up, but I don’t need you to stick around.” It really helps! A sense of humor can get us out of our ego-driven tunnel vision and self- centeredness. It helps us see things from a bigger, more panoramic perspective, making problems that seem insurmountable more workable. EH

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SELF-COMPASSION TAKES COURAGE

Self-compassion requires looking honestly and courageously at our suffering, and then responding to that suffering with love. We tend to resist looking deeply, and instead create all sorts of strategies for avoiding the experience of suffering.  Without the courage to look and not run away, self-compassion is not possible.

My deep-seated tendency to feel judged affects my ability to truly listen and stay present, especially in difficult conversations.  I become argumentative, get defensive, shut down, feel resentful. I hold tightly to my position, and don’t really hear what the other person is trying to communicate.  Self-compassion and compassion for the other fly out the window.

So, I decided to try something new after a recent difficult conversation, using the self-inquiry tool developed by members of my Buddhist community Nalandabodhi, to deal with interpersonal conflicts.  Among the inquiries are the following:

  • Have I reflected honestly on my feelings, needs, habitual tendencies and styles of communication so as not to create obstacles to constructive and compassionate communication?
  • Have I reflected on how my speech or actions may, even inadvertently, have contributed to the conflict or misunderstanding?
  • Have I taken responsibility for my view, actions and speech, rather than attributing blame to others?
  • Am I willing to value kindness and open-mindedness above vindication or being “right” and to intend a “win-win” rather than “win-lose” outcome?

Reflecting on and responding honestly to these questions was a real eye-opener for me.   In particular, I looked at my tendency to respond defensively when I feel judged.  Looking at this tendency directly and honestly brought me to tears, as I  remembered how often I felt judged and criticized, even as a young child.  I cried for that hurt little girl, holding her with compassion.  In the process of looking honestly and clearly, all the story lines, justifications and defensiveness dissolved.

Self-compassion is not self-indulgence.  Self-indulgence includes holding on to the stories we tell ourselves to justify our actions and reactions.  In contrast, it takes courage to let go of our story lines, and look honestly at our responses.  An  old therapist would often ask me “So what are you going to do about it?” when I complained and said words to the effect “well, that’s because my mother was so judgmental.”  My therapist’s response used to irk me, but I now find it empowering.

In difficult interactions, it’s easy to focus our attention on the other person, attributing all kinds of blame on them, and maybe even try to “fix” them.  When we ignore our own responses, we miss the opportunity to deeply understand our discomfort, and cannot meet our pain with compassion.  Looking deeply at our responses, especially our deeply ingrained negative tendencies and using the tools of self-inquiry takes courage.  It’s the only way out of our suffering and into living fully and authentically.

 

©2021.  Beth S. Patterson.  All rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A BUDDHIST APPROACH TO WORKING WITH PAIN:   FROM SUFFERING TO LIBERATION

I have been pondering how to use my Buddhist practice to work with suffering when my chronic pain flares up.   The Buddha’s teachings on The Four Noble Truths came immediately to mind.  These teachings provide a roadmap for living a life free from suffering.  Experiencing my  pain directly, without judgments or resistance, has allowed me to use the Buddha’s roadmap on my journey from suffering to liberation.

 The Four Noble Truths

In his first teaching after attaining liberation, the Buddha taught The Four Noble Truths:  the truth of suffering, the truth of the origin of suffering, the truth of the cessation of suffering, and the truth of the path to liberation from suffering.

The First Noble Truth recognizes the existence of suffering. We humans will do everything we can to resist or deny the existence of suffering.  Paradoxically, resisting or denying the existence of suffering only increases our suffering. Recognizing the existence of suffering, without additional thoughts or denial,  is the first step to letting go of the suffering that accompanies my chronic pain.

The Second Noble Truth, the cause of suffering, is clinging to things – especially ourselves – as real and permanent.   My knee-jerk reaction when my pain flares up is self-pity.  My self-centered thoughts and negative judgments increase my suffering.  When I let go of my thoughts and focus instead on the direct experience of my pain, there is an immediate sense of relief and spaciousness.

Focusing on the pain itself, rather than clinging to it as something unique to myself, leads to the cessation of suffering – The Third Noble Truth.   Working directly with the energy of physical pain has become my path out of the suffering that accompanies my pain. This path is related to the Fourth Noble Truth, the path to liberation from suffering.

“Don’t Shoot the Second Arrow”

The Buddha’s teachings on the “two arrows” has also been extremely helpful for me. When we experience physical or emotional pain, it is like being shot by an arrow.  According to the Buddha, the first arrow is not problem.  After all, we all inevitably experience pain of all kinds in our lives.  The problem is that we then shoot ourselves with a second arrow with our thoughts,  judgments and resistance to the initial pain.  According to Buddhist teachers Jack Kornfield and Donald Rothberg[i]:

According to the Buddha, our reaction [to pain] is equivalent to being shot by a second arrow.  We can call this second arrow suffering. Suffering arises because when we experience pain … we typically react by lashing out, at ourselves and others.  We believe somehow that this will dispel or mitigate the pain.  We act in such a way that a second arrow is shot, at us or others, on account of the pain of the first arrow.  When we act so that the second arrow is shot, we ‘pass on’ the original pain.

When I “lash out” at the perceived injustice of having a chronic pain condition, I am shooting myself with a second arrow.  My mindfulness practice allows me to notice my thoughts and judgments as they arise, let them go and return to the object of my meditation.  When I’m experiencing pain, I allow that to be the object of my meditation.  As thoughts and judgments arise, I notice them lightly and return to the direct experience of pain.

Working Directly with Physical Pain as a Path to Liberation

Here is an exercise for working directly with pain to alleviate the second arrow of suffering that often accompanies it. This exercise can be used for both physical and emotional pain.

  1. Focus on the pain and breathe into it.
  2. Explore the pain with a sense of curiosity:
    • Where  is the pain located?
    • How big is it?
    • What’s its shape?
    • If it had a color, what color would it be?
    • Is it hot or cold?
    • Is it static or does it move or vibrate?
  1. As you explore the pain in this way, notice how it shifts and moves. This is a good reminder that everything is impermanent.
  2. Remember that we all experience pain during our journey on the Four Rivers of Life — birth, old age, sickness and death.

When I work with my pain directly in this way, I am fully in the present moment. My thoughts, judgments and resistance are gone, and so is the suffering that I’ve added to the pain with those thoughts, judgments and resistance. In that present moment, I am liberated from my suffering.   As the old adage goes, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”

 

Reference:

[i] D. Rothberg & J. Kornfield (2006).  The Engaged Spiritual Life:  A Buddhist Approach to Transforming Ourselves and the World. Boston:  Beacon Press.

 

© 2020 Beth S. Patterson.  All rights reserved.

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BEFRIENDING THE INNER CRITIC

We therapists often advise our clients to ignore or reject the inner critic.  That’s a little like trying to ignore a pebble in our shoe.  What if we can do something productive, like removing the pebble from our shoe?  Ignoring it just doesn’t work. What if we were to actually listen to and befriend the inner critic instead of ignoring it?

My meditation practice has helped me separate myself from my inner critic.  Through increased awareness, I started to pay attention to that loud voice, rather than it simply being background noise. In fact, I named my inner critic “Bertha.”  I have usually told her to go away when her voice gets loud. Nonetheless, in times of stress, Bertha comes around more often, and telling “her” to go away just makes her voice louder.  It’s like that pebble in a shoe that gets more and more irritating until we do something about it.

Be Grateful to Everyone

 Befriending my inner critic has been a transformative and empowering experience.  It started with asking myself: What if Bertha is trying to be helpful but just doesn’t know how to communicate kindly and skillfully?

I am reminded of the Tibetan Buddhist mind-training slogan[a]:  “Be Grateful to Everyone.”  In her seminal book, Start Where You Are:  A Guide to Compassionate Living,[b] Pema Chodron notes that this mind-training slogan is about making peace with the aspects of ourselves we have rejected.  When we meet someone who pushes our buttons, instead of pushing them away, this slogan teaches us to welcome them in, knowing that they are triggering a part of ourselves we don’t like.  Tibetan Buddhist teacher Traleg Rinpoche notes:

If we can shift our focus from our rigid, narrow and habituated points of view, we will empower our ability to embrace situations in a new way so that every situation will start to seem more workable….We should endeavor to think good thoughts about people who have…made our lives quite difficult at time and try to turn those negative situations to our spiritual advantage, so that we become wiser and stronger.[c]

Of course, Bertha is not a real person, but I find this teaching very helpful in working with that part of me that is self-critical.  As a result, I have started listening to my inner critic with compassion and curiosity, like I would with a young child who doesn’t yet have the skills to express her needs.  Instead of immediately rejecting Bertha, I have started exploring what she is trying to communicate.  For example, if Bertha reproaches me for being forgetful or clumsy when I’m stressed out,  I can thank her for encouraging me to slow down and take a breath.  Befriending my inner critic has helped me embrace parts of myself I have rejected, in a way that empowers me rather than causing  harm. I can then actually be grateful to Bertha,  for reminding me to be self-compassionate.

 

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[a] There are 59 slogans for training the mind to cultivate lovingkindness and wisdom, as a way to bring the Buddhist teachings into everyday life.  The Tibetan term is “lojong”, which means mind-training, or heart-training.

[b] Chodron, Pema, Start Where You Are:  A Guide to Compassionate Living. Boston:  Shambhala Publications.

[c] Traleg Rinpoche (2007. The Practice of Lojong:  Cultivating Compassion through Training the Mind. Boston & London:  Shambhala Publications, pp. 96-96.

 

 

(c) 2019 Beth S. Patterson.  All rights reserved.

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DIGITAL DISTRACTION:  HOW WE USE OUR DEVICES TO AVOID DIFFICULT EMOTIONS

Digital distraction is everywhere these days.  I have started paying attention to how I also use my devices to avoid difficult emotions. Checking my emails and surfing the internet consume more hours in my day than I’d like to admit. So, I have started looking more mindfully at my digital device habits.

How We Use Our Devices to Avoid Difficult Emotions

I have noticed that when watching the horrific news of the day, I often pick up my tablet to play a game of Solitaire.   With this mindful view, I now understand that I often play Solitaire to avoid feeling anxious and worried.

Similarly, when I’m taking public transportation, I tend to fritter away my time on my cellphone. As a result, I miss human interactions and the beautiful scenery around me.  I see how digital distraction distances us from others, and from our environment.

I have been weighing whether my digital device use truly connects me to others. Many close friends and family members prefer to “talk” via text, rather than by phone or in person. I have picked up this habit as well. I believe that much of the divisiveness, violence, confusion and lack of empathy in today’s world can be attributed to an over-reliance on social media for connection.

Digital Distraction As a Defense Against Being Hurt

Many of the clients in my therapy practice admit that they surf the internet to avoid difficult emotions, such as anger, fear or anxiety.  For example, “Donna” has a history of complex trauma, primarily due to her mother’s emotional abuse.  As a result,  Donna has used distraction as a coping mechanism throughout her life to avoid painful emotions.

Donna told me that she has long been “disconnected from life” to avoid anxiety and fear. She worries that if she connects with those in her life, they will disappoint and hurt her, like her mother did. Likewise, Donna avoids connecting with herself because when she does she is filled with negative self-judgments.

Due to her anxiety and fears, Donna often stays up until 2am or later, surfing the internet and playing computer games.  She understands that this habit allows her to avoid her fears and other difficult emotions.

How The Emotional Rescue 3-Step Plan Can Help Create Healthy Relationships with Our Devices…And With Others

Donna and I have been working with the book Emotional Rescue:  How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy that Empowers Youby Dzogchen Ponlop[i].  We recently applied Ponlop Rinpoche’s Emotional Rescue 3-Step Plan to Donna’s digital distraction as a way to avoid feeling her emotions at bedtime.  As a result, Donna is beginning to let go of her digital device urge, and instead, has begun reading or knitting to help her relax into sleep.

I offer the Emotional Rescue 3-Step Plan here to help you create a mindful and healthy relationship with your devices and understand the triggers that make you turn to them to avoid difficult emotions.

The first step of the Emotional Rescue 3-Step Plan is Mindful Gap.   When you feel the urge to distract yourself with your devices, simply stop, take a breath and notice the urge without taking action. Breathe and feel what’s going on in your body without judgment.

From this internal focus, expand your awareness to your environment.  This is Clear Seeing,  the second step of the Emotional Rescue Plan.  Take a look and see what your body is telling you when you have the urge to digitally distract yourself.  For example, do you feel a fluttering in your chest or tightening in your stomach when you feel anxious? Do you start fidgeting when you’re bored? Is there a pattern to mindlessly picking up a device when you feel certain emotions?

The third step of the Emotional Rescue 3-Step Plan is Letting Go.  Allow your body to relax. Breathe in compassion for yourself, and breathe out compassion for all others who feel the need to digitally distract themselves to avoid difficult emotions.

Letting go gives you the chance to choose whether or not to pick up a device at that moment.  My aspiration is to choose connection and aliveness over distraction and numbness.

 

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[i]Dzogchen Ponlop (2016). Emotional Rescue:  How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy that Empowers You.  New York: Tarchin/Perigree.

(c) 2019 Beth S. Patterson.  All rights reserved.

 

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PRACTICING COMPASSION AND EQUANIMITY IN THE AGE OF TRUMP

Practicing compassion and equanimity with difficult people in our lives can be challenging.  However doing so greatly increases our capacity to care for all beings, including ourselves.  It also helps release us from getting caught up in negative emotions.

The Tibetan Buddhist practice of tonglen,  translated as  “sending and receiving,” is a powerful compassion practice. In practicing tonglen, we take in others’ suffering, and send them healing and compassion.  Each time you breathe in, you take in others’ pain and suffering. You take it into your heart, where it is transmuted, transformed into compassion. Then you breathe out, and send them healing and love.

Tonglen is practiced in stages:  first for ourselves, then for a loved one, then for a neutral person, then for someone we dislike, and finally for all sentient beings everywhere.  Tonglen can be done as a formal sitting practice or “on the spot”.[b]  For example, I practice tonglen on the spot when I pass a homeless person, instead of looking away.  I breathe in the suffering of that person, and send him or her healing with my out-breath.

Tonglen became a mainstay of my healing from the trauma of witnessing firsthand the horrors of 9/11. It was fairly easy for me to practice compassion for myself, those who died and their loved ones, and all others who witnessed the planes crash, whether in person or on the news. What truly healed me was practicing tonglen and developing compassion for the young hijackers who flew the planes into the World Trade Center.  I saw them as confused young men who abandoned their lovingkindness and basic goodness in the name of religious zealotry.

The transformative power of tonglen lies in directly experiencing that we are all born with basic goodness, and that our suffering, borne of clinging to a solid sense of self, obscures our basic goodness and lovingkindness as we move through life’s challenges.

Practicing equanimity is another transformative practice. It is a powerful way to let go of negativity and an “us versus them” mentality.  Vietnamese Buddhist master Thich Nhat Han says that equanimity involves seeing everyone as equal:  “We shed all discrimination and prejudice, and remove all boundaries between ourselves and others.  In a conflict, even though we are deeply concerned, we remain impartial, able to love and to understand both sides.”[c]

I have recently been practicing compassion and equanimity for Donald Trump. Bear in mind that compassion does not mean approval. Without getting into a political discussion and simply based on my observations, I do not condone Trump’s lies, inflammatory language and divisiveness.

When I find myself getting caught in negativity listening to the news, I take a breath and step back.  I’ve made it a practice to look at Trump’s eyes and practice compassion and equanimity on the spot.  I am then able to see the fear and suffering in his eyes.  Behind his tough guy façade, I see a scared little boy.  Sometimes Trump’s eyes seem eerily empty, a reflection of a person who has been called “an existence without a soul.”[d]

Observing Trump’s pained eyes, I wonder how his soul became so damaged.  As a psychotherapist, it is tempting to diagnose him.  I prefer to try to understand, based on my understanding of trauma and attachment theory, how Trump has become the person he is today.  His mother has been described as emotionally distant and frequently absent.  His father has been described as a “tyrant.”

It is thus no surprise then that Trump is so sensitive to criticism.  His bluster and boastful arrogance are likely a mask to hide his deep insecurity and fear of being seen as weak or unworthy.  As Dr. Justin Frank notes:

One of the things that you do when you’re feeling ignored and abandoned in some way is develop contempt for that part of yourself. You have the hatred of your own weakness and you then become a bully and make other people feel weak, or mock other people to make it clear that you’re the strong one and that you don’t have any needs.[e]

Fear seems to be a driving force in Trump’s life. As Zen teacher Ezra Bayda says:

 “[F]ear makes our life narrow and dark.  It is at the root of all conflict, underlying much of our sorrow.  Fear also…disconnects us from the lovingkindness that is our true nature.”[f]

Understanding Donald Trump in this way helps me practice compassion and equanimity, not only for him, but for all others who have suffered because of difficult upbringings.  May they all discover the “lovingkindness that is [their] true nature.”

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[a]Please note that this article is not intended as a political statement, but rather, an essay about how to work with compassion and equanimity for all beings, including those who challenge our ability to be compassionate.  Also see my blog article “How To Be a Mindful Activist…And not lose your mind: https://bethspatterson.com/mindful-activism/

[b]Pema Chodron, (Summer 2002). “Tonglen on the Spot.” Tricycle.

[c]Thich Nhat Han (1997).  The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching.  New York: Broadway Books, p. 162.

[d]Dan McAdams (June 2016).  “The Mind of Donald Trump.” The Atlantic, quoting Mark Singer, who interviewed Trump for a profile published as “Trump Solo” in The New Yorker (May 19, 1997).

[e]David Smith.  “Mommy Dearest:  A Psychiatrist Puts Trump on the Couch.” The Guardian. (September 29, 2018).

[f]Ezra Bayda (Spring 2009). “The Three Things We Fear Most.”  Tricycle.

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OVERCOMING JEALOUSY THROUGH JOY: A BUDDHIST PSYCHOLOGY PERSPECTIVE

Jealousy is a difficult emotion to experience, and even more difficult to admit. Jealousy has many faces: competitiveness, envy, resentment, insecurity and fear of exclusion.  Buddhist psychology teaches that leaning into the experience of jealousy and not trying to cover it up is the key to transforming it and creating compassion and connection.

Jealousy and the belief that we are not good enough

Jealousy flows from believing that we are not good enough just as we are. For example, I have noticed that my jealousy rears up when I feel judged or insecure.  If I’m not mindful, it becomes a swirling vicious circle.  I judge myself, compare myself to others and resent them for being better than me or having more than me.  I then become competitive and go overboard to try to prove my worth. To compound the problem, I then criticize myself for feeling jealous – After all, I’m a Buddhist and I’m not supposed to feel that way!

When I experience jealousy, I often shut down and isolate myself out of a fear of being found out as not enough. Not only do I disconnect from others, I disconnect from myself and my basic goodness and vitality.

Jealousy and the suffering of self-clinging

Jealousy is considered one of the “five poisons” in Buddhism, together with anger, desire, pride and ignorance.  They are considered poisonous because they create pain and suffering, both for ourselves and others.  The foundational tenet of Buddhism is that suffering is all around us, and that the cause of suffering is our clinging to a sold sense of self.  Jealousy and the other poisons arise from this self-clinging.

The Buddhist prayer called The Four Immeasurables is a powerful way to free ourselves from the suffering of ego-clinging. It is a simple prayer accessible to all:

May all beings enjoy happiness and the root of happiness.

May they be free from suffering and the root of suffering.

May they not be separated from the great happiness devoid of suffering.

May they dwell in the great equanimity free from passion, aggression and prejudice.

 It is important to remember that the term “all beings” includes ourselves.  Therefore, reciting The Four Immeasurables opens us to compassion for ourselves as well as others.

How to work mindfully with jealousy and transform it into sympathetic joy

Working mindfully with the tools I have learned from Buddhist psychology allows me to let go of jealousy.  When I feel jealousy arise, I first lean into the experience with my felt senses.  This allows me to stay with the direct physical and emotional experience and not get caught up in the storylines that keep jealousy in place.

By breathing in the painful sensations associated with jealousy and breathing out relaxation, I can create space around the experience and see it directly, allowing myself to relax and let go.[a]When I am able to do this, my jealousy transforms into compassion for myself and for the person who aroused my jealousy.

Each of the five poisons corresponds to one of the “five wisdoms” or antidotes. After experiencing the pain of the jealousy directly and mindfully, opening into compassion leads naturally to jealousy’s antidote, known as “sympathetic joy.” Sympathetic joy involves taking joy in the success or happiness of others. This corresponds to the third of the Four Immeasurables, where we pray that all beings experience “great happiness devoid of suffering.”

The Sanskrit term for sympathetic joy is mudita.  Buddhist teacher Sharon Salzberg defines mudita as “the pleasure that comes from delighting in other people’s well-being.”[b]The cultivation of sympathetic joy is indeed a pleasure – It frees us from the suffering of our painful emotions.  In addition, rejoicing in others’ happiness actually creates happiness and satisfaction in ourselves.  In the words of the Buddhist master Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche, “When you rejoice, you really feel like you have a richness inside. Your good heart sustains your mind.”[c]

“Appreciative joy” is another translation of mudita:

Appreciation is taking the time to notice what’s already here, what we have right now in this very moment. This capacity gives us the inner strength to work with our suffering in a skillful way, and to stay connected to each other as we do.[d]

 When we practice appreciation for others’ happiness and success, we come to appreciate ourselves.  Consequently, the belief that we are not enough slips away, and our jealousy can dissolve.  Rejoicing in others’ good fortune also opens our hearts to others as well as ourselves. Our sense of connection and basic aliveness is restored.  We are well on our way to overcoming ego-clinging and suffering, and living a life of satisfaction and joy.

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[a]This corresponds to the “Emotional Rescue 3-Step Plan” described by Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche in his book “Emotional Rescue:  How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy that Empowers You (TarcherPerigree 2016).  The three steps are:  Mindful Gap (taking a breath and feeling the emotion directly), Clear Seeing (looking at the broader picture, including triggers and habits), and Letting Go (relaxing with our senses and letting go of any residual negative energy).

[b] Sharon Salzberg (1995). Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness. Shambhala Publications. p. 119.

[c]Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche, “Rejoicing:  The Antidote to Jealousy”, in “Uncommon Happiness:  The Path of the Compassionate Warrior (Rangjung Yeshe Publications, 2009).

[d]Mingyur Rinpoche, “You Already Have What You’re Looking For”, Lion’s Roar, March 2019 issue.

 

© 2019 Beth S. Patterson.  All rights reserved.

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THE ART OF MINDFUL LISTENING

“Do your best to practice compassionate listening. Do not listen for the sole purpose of judging, criticizing or analyzing. Listen only to help the other person express himself and find some relief from suffering.”  Thich Nhat Hanh

Mindful listening is so important in times of trauma and grief, so prevalent in our world today.  Mindful listening, also called active or compassionate listening, is about connection and validation. When we feel heard, we feel loved, cared for and understood, just as we are.

We may think that it is easy to listen, but true listening from the heart requires openness, courage and vulnerability.  Mindful listening helps us stay open with another and be able to sit with the expression of intense emotions.  Mindful listening is active listening.  We do not passively sit there, but convey to the speaker that he or she is heard and understood, whether by paraphrasing, reflection or nonverbal acts, like sitting forward in your chair, maintaining eye contact, and nodding our head.  Roshi Joan Halifax beautifully expresses this as follows:

Listening means that we have stabilized our minds so completely that the person who is speaking can actually hear themselves through our stillness.It is a quality of radiant listening, of luminous listening, of vibrant listening, but it is also very still.  It is listening with attention, with openheartedness, without prejudice….We listen with our being.  We offer our whole listening body.[i]

Listening is not about giving advice, trying to fix the situation or agreeing with the speaker.  What the person who is suffering needs most is someone to compassionately bear witness to what he or she is feeling.    Mindful listening requires empathy, not sympathy.  As shame and trauma researcher and writer Brené Brown has said,

“Empathy fuels connection while sympathy drives disconnection….  Empathy entails the “ability to take the perspective of another person or recognize their perspective as their truth…. Empathy is I’m feeling with you. Sympathy [is] I’m feeling for you.”[ii]

Suffering is a universal part of the human condition. However, despite the universality of suffering, we are unique individuals, and our suffering has unique qualities.  Therefore, responding “I know just how you feel” (i.e., “feeling for you”) is unhelpful and even hurtful. If you identify so completely with another’s suffering, you no longer hear him or her as an individual.  Instead of saying “I know just how you feel,” you might instead say something like “That sounds so difficult.  Tell me more.”  Notice how different the two responses feel.

It is easy to be triggered when someone is describing an experience of abuse or loss.  Out of our own anxiety, we may say something unhelpful or damaging.  For example, I remember listening to a client tell me about her multiple miscarriages at a time in her life she was experiencing substance abuse and homelessness.  I felt my anxiety rising.  Instead of responding right away, I allowed myself to breathe and stay present with my client.  Pausing and breathing allowed me to resist the urge to say “maybe it’s a blessing” or another cliché.  At one point, my client actually said to me “…and if one more person says ‘maybe it’s a blessing” I’m going to strangle them!”  Phew – Mindful listening saved the day!

Mindful listening includes becoming aware of our habitual patterns. Noticing our habits as they arise is the key to changing them.  We all have listening habits, or “listening traps” that create barriers to compassionate listening. It is worthwhile to contemplate the listening trap questions on this linked list, and identify which ones you tend to engage in when you are not being mindful: https://www.smp.org/dynamicmedia/files/f61aa314d326aefcc87af335025a930f/TX004482_2_handout_9A_Listening_Traps.pdf[iii].

For example, when I was interning as a hospice bereavement counselor, I realized that one of my listening traps is #7 on this list:  “Do you get caught up with insignificant facts and details and miss the emotional tone of the conversation?” I became painfully aware of this when I was working with a woman whose son had recently died in a car accident.  As she was describing what had happened and the pain of her loss, I interrupted with the question “How old was your son?”  This mindless question broke our emotional connection in that moment.

We have all experienced the hurt of not being heard, and being responded to with unwanted advice, a cliché or pat response. Some examples:

  • “I know just how you feel.”
  • “Everything happens for a reason.”
  • “The same thing happened to me.”
  • “Well, you can always have another [child, pet, relationship – fill in the blank]
  • “At least he’s in a better place.”
  • “Maybe you should….”
  • “It could be worse.”
  • “Let me tell you about the time when….”

Responding with a cliché does not mean that the listener does not care; it simply means that the listener was not mindful in responding.  Mindful listening is like a dance, where most of your attention is focused on the speaker and moments of attention are focused on yourself to make sure you are actually listening. The following are some tips for mindful listening:

  • Notice your physical and emotional responses as you listen to another’s suffering.
  • Notice where you feel your tension or anxiety in your body:Is your heart beating faster?  Are you feeling tightness in your chest? Fluttering in your stomach?
  • Take a breath before responding.
  • Be curious.
  • Listen not only to the speaker’s words, but also his or her body language and emotional tone.
  • Remove distractions such as cellphones or paperwork that may prevent you from fully being with the other person.
  • Pay attention to any judgments that arise and set them aside.
  • Check in with yourself during the conversation and make sure you are still present and listening.

Sometimes the best response is sacred silence, meeting the other with love and understanding. The key is to be present, breathe, and through your verbal and nonverbal responses, let the speaker know her or she is heard.

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[i]Joan Halifax, in P. Zaleski & P. Kaufman (1997). Gifts of the Spirit

[ii]Brené Brown (2013).  RSA Talk, The Power of Vulnerability. YouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=sXSjc-pbXk4

[iii]© St. Mary’s Press.

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UNCOVERING THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY: A MINDFULNESS APPROACH

Most of us think of vulnerability as weakness. However, the word vulnerability simply means able to be open. By being open, we can clearly see ourselves and that world around us.  This panoramic view gives us the ability and power to grow, heal and be fully engaged in our lives.

We often think that if we are open and vulnerable, we will be attacked.  This is something most of us learn early on in life.  We come into the world as open and vulnerable babies, unconditionally loving ourselves and the world around us.  Then life gets in the way. We feel judged, misunderstood, rejected or abandoned, and little by little that open innocence begins to close. We close a portion of our hearts. We lose our spontaneity, basic aliveness and self-expression out of fear.

The first step of opening to our basic aliveness is becoming aware of the fears and self-beliefs that close our hearts. For me, mindfulness meditation was the key for unlocking my heart.

Through slowing down in meditation, and taking the time to get to know myself, I discovered my fear of being judged as unlovable. I became acutely aware that I had closed myself from my basic aliveness out of fear.  Slowing down and breathing into my heart in meditation, I had a direct experience of what felt like ice melting around my heart.  I experienced profound sadness and grief for the loss of the open heart and vulnerability I had as a baby and young child.  Over time, I was able to let go of the fears that held me back, experience compassion for myself and allow myself to be and be loved, just as I am.

So, I offer this guided meditation to you:

  • Sit in a comfortable position, either on a meditation cushion or in a chair with your feet on the floor. Make sure you are sitting upright in a relaxed fashion so your breath can freely move.
  • Bring attention to your breath – cool nourishing breaths in, and long slow breaths out, letting go of stress and tension with each out-breath. Allow yourself to slow down.  When thoughts come up, simply notice them and return your attention to your breath.
  • As you begin to slow down and relax, bring your attention to your heart center. Bring one hand to your heart. Breathe into your heart, noticing the hand touching your heart to rise with each inhale and relax with each exhale.
  • Continuing to breathe in this way, experience the sensations around your heart. In order to become familiar with and connect with your heart, ask:  If it had a color, what color would it be?  Similarly, if it had a size, shape, texture or temperature, what would that be.
  • Now, continuing to focus your attention on your heart, notice your emotions. Fear or sadness may arise.  Breathe into the emotional experience and allow your emotions to be just as they are, without getting lost in thoughts, judgments or stories.
  • End your meditation practice with the aspiration that you grow and heal, and in your growth and healing, may you be of benefit to yourself and all others.

It is my aspiration that this practice will help you understand with compassion the fears that have closed your heart, so that you can grow, heal and open with the power of vulnerability to yourself and your life.

 

 

© 2018.  Beth S. Patterson.  All rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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TRANSFORMING RESENTMENT ON THE SPOT

Resentment is a negative and toxic emotional response.  It arises when we feel that we are being treated unfairly.   Resentment can feel like anger, hatred or self-righteous indignation. If we bring mindfulness and curiosity to the situation, we can actually change how we react when we feel this way, and can transform our resentment to compassion, for ourselves and others.

Recognizing Resentment as a Habitual Defensive Pattern

It is difficult to change reactions that have become deeply entrenched in our emotional lives. For example, many of my clients have told me that their mothers were highly judgmental or critical of them. As a result, they developed defensive habitual response as a way to protect themselves against feeling hurt, ashamed or disappointed.  These defensive automatic responses then play out throughout our lives whenever we feel judged or criticized.

A knee-jerk automatic reaction of self-righteous indignation to feeling judged, criticized or mistreated is something many of us are all too familiar with. Kaumyo Lowe-Charde, co-abbot of Dharma Rain Zen Center,  notes:

[When we see things in right or wrong terms], we can simply notice how comforting and reassuring it is when we believe we are on the right side of those lines.  And, if  we persist in noticing, we may discover that the need to draw lines to create a right and wrong side, is rooted in fear.  If, in a given instant,  we can open up and allow ourselves to feel this fear, it will morph into something else— perhaps grief, compassion or remorse. And when that happens, we increase our capacity for choice.”

As Kaumyo Lowe-Charde says, our need to be right is rooted in fear. We are often afraid of opening ourselves to feeling hurt or disappointed, and hold on for dear life to our automatic defensive emotional responses. We develop tunnel vision, a narrowing of our perspective and ability to choose, which disconnects us from our basic aliveness. Our need to be right also disconnects us from the compassion and self-compassion that are our birthright.

Using the Three-Step Emotional Rescue Plan to Transform Resentment

In his book Emotional Rescue: How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy that Heals You, Dzogchen Ponlop describes a “three-step plan” for working with difficult emotions. The first step is to take a breath and feel what you are experiencing emotionally without reacting. Ponlop Rinpoche calls this “Mindful Gap.” You may feel your resentment and self-righteous indignation as a tightening in your chest, for example. Just allow yourself to breathe into that feeling.

Taking this gap before reacting naturally leads to the next step, “Clear Seeing.” You can then broaden your perspective and feel the hurt, sadness, confusion or shame under the defensive response of resentment, and start to notice the habits that have kept you stuck. Clearly seeing in this way allows you to let go of the resentment, which is the third step, “Letting Go.”

Dzogchen Ponlop describes Letting Go as a “sigh of relief”:

“Letting Go turns out to be the opposite of rejecting your emotions.  It’s actually the beginning of welcoming them into your life just as they are – original, fresh energy….There’s a burst of intensity when everything is wide open and full of possibility.”( p. 77).

Being curious about and exploring our deeply entrenched habitual reactions helps us get familiar with them. As Ponlop Rinpoche notes (p. 75),

“Before you can kiss [your painful emotions] goodbye…you have to get to know them – to face their sharp edges and intense energies.”

When we allow ourselves to get intimately familiar with the energy of resentment, we can, with practice, step by step, transform resentment on the spot into the healing power of self-awareness and compassion for ourselves and others.

 

 

 

 

 

© Beth S. Patterson, MA, LPC. All rights reserved.