COPING WITH GRIEF AFTER LOSING YOUR JOB

 

Many of us think that grief should be reserved for the death of a loved one. However, grief can be experienced after any life transition, and one of the biggest life changes is the loss of a job. Here are some tips for coping with job loss.

  1. Remember to have compassion for yourself.

Feelings of shame often arise after losing a job. Shame is one of the most poisonous emotions humans experience. It can lead to self-punishment, which can come in the form of berating yourself for not doing a better job or for making a mistake that led to the job loss. Self-punishment may also play out in negative behaviors like substance abuse or promiscuity. Take time to understand that we all make mistakes, and that no one is perfect – including you. Self-compassion is so important in all aspects of your life. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Take the time to nurture yourself in body and mind. Do things that bring you peace and comfort, such as reading a good novel, getting a massage or taking a warm bath. Do them with the intention of caring for yourself with kindness and compassion, and breathe that into your heart.

  1. Develop skills to banish negative thoughts.

Thoughts of shame, blame, regret and doubt are inevitable after losing a job. The key is to not let those thoughts develop a life of their own. Mindfulness meditation techniques can be particularly helpful at this time. Learn to notice those negative thoughts as soon as they arise. Instead of following a thought, breathe into the feelings in your body that accompany the thought. It might be tightness in your chest or stomach, a clenching of your jaw or some other body sensation. Allow your breath to loosen those physical sensations. When the thoughts come up again, simply breathe into the accompanying body sensations. You may want to enlist the aid of a mindfulness meditation instructor or friend who practices mindfulness if this is a new technique for you.

  1. Take some healthy alone time.

The shame and other negative emotions that accompany losing a job may lead you to want to isolate yourself and avoid social interactions. It is fine to take some time to recover from the shock of losing your job. At the same time, it is important to use that time in a healthy way. Avoid the urge to overindulge in food or alcohol. Exercise can be extremely beneficial to help you combat depression, and the best form of exercise I have found is walking. Feel each footstep as it hits the ground, and when you notice yourself getting lost in negative thoughts, return to feeling your feet hit the ground. Treat yourself to a massage or other activities that help you feel better.

  1. Take some time each day to do something positive.

When we lose a job, we may feel hopeless or even worthless. Do something each day that reminds you of your worth. It may be something as simple as helping an elderly person cross the street, saying hello and smiling to people on the street or giving someone directions. You can offer to help your neighbors walk their dog, or volunteer your time for a cause you believe in. Being of service to others, even in the simplest of ways, will remind you that you are worthy and have something to offer.

  1. Express yourself.

It is so important to get the swirling emotions of grief out of your body in a way that is beneficial. Keeping all that stuff inside will only lead to depression and dis-ease. Keeping a journal is a great way to express yourself, and can help you not only get out all those messy emotions, but also may help you clarify what is now important to you and your next steps on your career path, or if applicable, your path to retirement.   If writing is not easy for you, there are other forms of expression that can also be beneficial, such as drawing or painting, dancing, singing or playing music or simply moving. The important thing is to move that energy outward.

  1. Evaluate and call on your support systems.

One of the most difficult things for me after losing my job many years ago as an attorney in the entertainment business was the loss of people I always believed would be there to support me, especially my colleagues in my corporation. It felt like they were staying away from me because they believed that the loss of my job might be contagious! This is what we in the grief field call a “secondary loss.” That is, the loss of my colleagues, and the lack of support from them was an offshoot of the loss of my job. I was given the opportunity to evaluate who was really there for me and, and to develop a greater appreciation for those who stepped forward to support me on my new path, and to actually allow myself to be vulnerable enough to let them to be of support to me. In retrospect, I now know that this process helped me develop as a compassionate human being in my personal and spiritual life, as well as in my professional life.

  1. Use this time to reflect on what is important to you.

Undoubtedly, people trying to be supportive have told you that losing your job can be a “blessing in disguise.” When you first lose your job, it feels like a blow and not a blessing. While you may not see your job loss as a blessing, it is nonetheless a great opportunity to take the time to reflect on, and perhaps re-evaluate, your passions, priorities and values. For example, when I was laid off from my corporate job as an entertainment lawyer, it felt like a death blow. I no longer knew who I was, because I had so strongly identified myself as my job. When I got over the shock of losing my job, it became apparent to me that I was being given the opportunity to find a new career path that more suited my spiritual path and my personal development. The loss of my corporate job and following the steps described above allowed me to fulfill my dream to become a psychotherapist and grief counselor and to express who I really am.

 

 

           

 

 

           

 

 

 

GRIEF CAN BE MESSY

 

A common complaint of my grief therapy clients is that they don ‘t think they are “grieving right.” I assure them that’s there’s no “right” way to grieve, and that, in fact, grief can be downright messy.

Just from a superficial point of view, the face of a grieving person can be pretty darn messy – bloodshot eyes, runny, red nose, puffy eyelids, red nose and other outward appearances that we might want to hide. Grief can also throw other physical aspects out of whack. Individuals who are grieving may either not sleep well or get too much sleep. Eating patterns can get interrupted as well, and it’s not uncommon for a bereaved person to either lose or gain too much weight.

The emotional side of grief is equally messy and can also be unpredictable. Emotional outbursts can seemingly come out of nowhere. I remember many times after a significant loss sitting in my car at a red light and screaming or pounding on my steering wheel. At times like those, I’m tempted to say to the driver next to me: “Don’t worry. I’m not crazy. I’m just grieving.”

People who pride themselves as being patient and calm can find themselves being angry, irritable, intolerant and impatient in their grief. I reassure clients who are concerned about this that these are normal grief reactions. At the same time, however, I am vigilant as a clinician to make sure these clients are not depressed. There is a major difference between normal grief and depression. Whereas grief, though difficult is usually “normal”, depression is not, and needs additional care.

A pitfall for some grieving clients is that they believe grief should follow an orderly fashion, and may point to the five stages of grief described by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, i.e., denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Dr. Kubler-Ross never intended for these stages to be linear and predictable, but rather, touchstones in the grief process. We cycle in and out of these stages in a sequence that is neither predictable nor orderly, but rather, can be downright messy. However, if a griever believes these stages to be linear, after experiencing some initial denial, he or she may think “OK, I’m done with that stage. I’ll check it off my list and go on to the anger stage.” They may point to Kubler-Ross’s model as proof that they aren’t grieving “correctly.”

There are many ways to work in a healthy and healing way with the mess that is grief. Because grief’s myriad expressions and emotions are unpredictable, grief can be stressful and exhausting. Therefore, the first step in healing grief is to take care of your physical being, making sure to get enough sleep, eat healthily and get exercise.

Telling the story of your loss can also be immensely helpful, as a way to make meaning of the loss. This will help with the feelings of confusion, helplessness, hopelessness and despair that can accompany grief. In addition, telling the story can help the bereaved maintain an emotional connection to his or her deceased loved one. Telling the story can be done by talking to others, journaling, writing a letter to your loved one, painting, or by any other form of expression. Expression helps to literally push out all of the swirling, messy feelings in a way that makes them workable.

Reaching out for support is also extremely important in working with the mess of grief. Calling on friends, family or one’s spiritual community and calling on one’s inner strengths and resources are all very beneficial in preventing isolation and depression.

Working with the messiness of grief can be like tending an unruly garden. Gently pulling the weeds, giving the dirt nutrients and carefully tending to the growing plants allows them to bloom. Similarly, giving our grief tender loving care can allow the mess of grief to transform into healing and growth.

The Healing Power of Love in Grief

The way we grieve is a result of what we learned about love and relationships as a baby. We all learned certain “rules” growing up about love, such as “don’t give your heart away” or “don’t love too fully or you’ll get hurt.”

Through my work as a grief counselor, I have come to believe that the grief process is akin to the process a young child goes through in separating from his or her primary caregiver (PCG). For the first few months of life, the infant experiences no separation from the PCG – they are one and the same. Little by little, the developing child comes to understand that he or she and the PCG are in fact separate beings. The child starts to experiment by crawling or walking away from the PCG, coming back as necessary for “emotional refueling.” Playing peek-a-boo games teaches the toddler that even though something may be physically hidden from view, it still exists. Around the age of three, the child is able to understand the more abstract notion that he or she can keep a representation of the PCG, in his or her heart, and with that emotional presence and support, can venture out further into the world without the PCG. The development of this capacity is called object constancy, i.e., “a coherent mental representation of important attachment figures.” (Worden, 1996, pp. 9-10, citing Bowlby (1963, 1980) and R. Furman (1964)).

The inability to retain a sense of object constancy, and to remember that the PCG is a resource even when she or he is not physically present leads to many difficulties in forming healthy relationships and good boundaries. For example, those with borderline personality disorder or other attachment disorders were unable to achieve the capacity for object constancy because the mother or other primary caregiver was neglectful or abusive, physically and/or emotionally and did not therefore create a sense of safety and trust in the growing child.

Grief theorist J. William Worden (2002) describes certain tasks a bereaved individual to complete in order to navigate the grief process in a healthy way. The first task is to accept the finality of one’s loss; the second task involves feeling, and not avoiding, the pain of one’s grief; the third task is to adjust to an environment without the deceased; and the fourth task is to “emotionally relocate” the deceased and move forward in life. This process of “emotionally relocating” the deceased loved one is akin to the development of object constancy.

This process of grief and love was illustrated in a poignant way with one of my grief therapy clients, who I will call “Joe” for the sake of confidentiality. Joe came to see me for therapy after the death of his young wife, “Jody” as it became clear that his suffering in his grief was unrelenting. A common theme in Joe’s lamentations was that his wife was quite mean to him, especially as her cancer progressed and affected her brain. Joe was unable to talk about Jody without crying, and he developed some unhealthy coping tools to assuage his pain. As the first anniversary of Jody’s death drew closer, Joe’s suffering increased.

I recently asked Joe if he loved Jody, and with tears streaming down his face, Joe for the first time in our sessions said that he loved his wife. It felt as if a dam Joe had built around his heart had burst, and he was able to open his heart to his love for Jody. This was truly a breakthrough in Joe’s path to healing his grief.

It was clear that Joe needed to find a place for the Jody he loved in his heart in order to move forward in life. For so many of us, like Joe, this is a process of having the courage to love wholeheartedly. Many of us hold back pieces of our love out of fear that doing so will make us too vulnerable. However, vulnerability is not a weakness and does not put us at risk of harm. Rather, the word “vulnerable” simply means the ability to be open. Being open allows us to see things more panoramically and makes us stronger, not weaker. More importantly, being open to loving fully allows us to keep our loved ones with us as a source of strength and support when they are not there in person.

Loving and living fully after loss often entails completing “unfinished business” with our loved one in some way, whether through therapy, journaling or other expressive means. We may need to forgive our loved ones for their human weaknesses, and also forgive ourselves for difficulties in the relationship. No relationship is perfect, and letting go of resentments, guilt or fear is an important piece of the process of finding an open place in our hearts for our loved ones who have passed. Only then can we relocate the deceased emotionally in our hearts, heal our grief and move forward in life.

How to Be with Someone who is Grieiving

Your best friend’s beloved cat just died.   Your favorite co-worker was just laid off.  Your elderly aunt, who suffered from cancer for many years, just died and your cousin is bereft.  In any one of these situations, you might likely be uncomfortable, and don’t know what to do.  You are certainly not alone with this dilemma.

The first thing to remember in being with someone who is grieving a loss is the word “be” – notice that the title of this article starts with “how to be”, not “what to do.”  You may be tempted in the case of the death of your best friend’s cat to offer to take him to get a new pet.  In the case of your laid off co-worker, you might be tempted to give her resume- writing or job-hunting tips.  In the case of the death of your aunt, you may be tempted to tell your cousin that the death was a blessing and at least she lived a long life.

Although these possible reactions sound like they might be helpful, they actually can do more harm than good at the beginning of someone’s grief process. Here are some “doing” things to avoid:

  • Avoid the temptation to fix it.  People don’t like to feel that something is wrong with them that needs to be fixed.
  • Avoid giving advice, unless it is asked for.
  • Avoid the use of clichés, such as “maybe it’s a blessing” or “I know just how you feel” or “God works in mysterious ways.”

The key to being with a grieving person is listening.  Sounds easy, doesn’t it?  However, listening is really not that easy for most of us.  We find it much easier to do than to be.  So, we give advice, or offer to fix it or do something else to fill the space.  It is difficult for us to sit in silence with another, being a caring presence.  We tend to be uncomfortable witnessing another’s suffering and sitting in that empty, groundless space.  So, we do things to fill that silent space that are well-intended but not helpful to the grieving person.

The following are some keys to effective listening and being a caring presence for someone who is grieving:

  • Center yourself before entering the room.  Have the intention of being present for your friend. Slow down. Breathe mindfully, inhaling nourishment and ease for yourself and your friend, and exhaling stress and tension.  Feel your feet on the floor in order to get grounded.
  • Leave all distractions aside.  Turn off your cellphone, iPad and computer.  Don’t worry – your messages will still be there and can wait.  Forget about your plans for the rest of the day — they too can wait.
  • As you sit with your friend, check in with yourself periodically, putting about seventy-five percent of your attention on your friend, and about twenty-five percent on yourself.  Check to see if you are staying present – Is your mind wandering? Are you jumping ahead and figuring out the next thing to say?  Are you getting anxious hearing about your friend’s loss?
  • Leave your agenda at the door – simply be with your friend as he or she is at that moment, as much as your might wish to make it better or different – remember that it’s their process, not yours.
  • In staying present, be aware of your own triggers.  Perhaps you lost a beloved pet, just as your friend just did, and being with your friend is triggering your own pain.  Breathe into that pain for yourself, and breathe out from that tender place for your friend.  Your own pain is truly an opportunity to be authentically and open-heartedly present with your friend, and an opportunity for healing for both of you.

 

There is nothing more healing than feeling truly heard and understood.  This is the essence of active listening and “companioning”:  being with another in life’s journey as equals on the path.  Listening to and being a mirror for another’s pain is the essence of companioning.  As the eminent humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers noted:

I find that when I am close to my inner, intuitive self, when I am somehow in touch with the unknown in me…whatever I do seems to be full of healing. Then, simply my presence is releasing and helpful to the other. There is nothing I can do to force this experience, but when I can relax and be close to the transcendental core of me…it seems that my inner spirit has reached out and touched the inner spirit of the other. Our relationship transcends itself and becomes a part of something larger. Profound growth and healing and energy are present (Rogers, A Way of Being, 1980).