Life Transitions

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COPING WITH GRIEF AFTER LOSING YOUR JOB

 

Many of us think that grief should be reserved for the death of a loved one. However, grief can be experienced after any life transition, and one of the biggest life changes is the loss of a job. Here are some tips for coping with job loss.

  1. Remember to have compassion for yourself.

Feelings of shame often arise after losing a job. Shame is one of the most poisonous emotions humans experience. It can lead to self-punishment, which can come in the form of berating yourself for not doing a better job or for making a mistake that led to the job loss. Self-punishment may also play out in negative behaviors like substance abuse or promiscuity. Take time to understand that we all make mistakes, and that no one is perfect – including you. Self-compassion is so important in all aspects of your life. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Take the time to nurture yourself in body and mind. Do things that bring you peace and comfort, such as reading a good novel, getting a massage or taking a warm bath. Do them with the intention of caring for yourself with kindness and compassion, and breathe that into your heart.

  1. Develop skills to banish negative thoughts.

Thoughts of shame, blame, regret and doubt are inevitable after losing a job. The key is to not let those thoughts develop a life of their own. Mindfulness meditation techniques can be particularly helpful at this time. Learn to notice those negative thoughts as soon as they arise. Instead of following a thought, breathe into the feelings in your body that accompany the thought. It might be tightness in your chest or stomach, a clenching of your jaw or some other body sensation. Allow your breath to loosen those physical sensations. When the thoughts come up again, simply breathe into the accompanying body sensations. You may want to enlist the aid of a mindfulness meditation instructor or friend who practices mindfulness if this is a new technique for you.

  1. Take some healthy alone time.

The shame and other negative emotions that accompany losing a job may lead you to want to isolate yourself and avoid social interactions. It is fine to take some time to recover from the shock of losing your job. At the same time, it is important to use that time in a healthy way. Avoid the urge to overindulge in food or alcohol. Exercise can be extremely beneficial to help you combat depression, and the best form of exercise I have found is walking. Feel each footstep as it hits the ground, and when you notice yourself getting lost in negative thoughts, return to feeling your feet hit the ground. Treat yourself to a massage or other activities that help you feel better.

  1. Take some time each day to do something positive.

When we lose a job, we may feel hopeless or even worthless. Do something each day that reminds you of your worth. It may be something as simple as helping an elderly person cross the street, saying hello and smiling to people on the street or giving someone directions. You can offer to help your neighbors walk their dog, or volunteer your time for a cause you believe in. Being of service to others, even in the simplest of ways, will remind you that you are worthy and have something to offer.

  1. Express yourself.

It is so important to get the swirling emotions of grief out of your body in a way that is beneficial. Keeping all that stuff inside will only lead to depression and dis-ease. Keeping a journal is a great way to express yourself, and can help you not only get out all those messy emotions, but also may help you clarify what is now important to you and your next steps on your career path, or if applicable, your path to retirement.   If writing is not easy for you, there are other forms of expression that can also be beneficial, such as drawing or painting, dancing, singing or playing music or simply moving. The important thing is to move that energy outward.

  1. Evaluate and call on your support systems.

One of the most difficult things for me after losing my job many years ago as an attorney in the entertainment business was the loss of people I always believed would be there to support me, especially my colleagues in my corporation. It felt like they were staying away from me because they believed that the loss of my job might be contagious! This is what we in the grief field call a “secondary loss.” That is, the loss of my colleagues, and the lack of support from them was an offshoot of the loss of my job. I was given the opportunity to evaluate who was really there for me and, and to develop a greater appreciation for those who stepped forward to support me on my new path, and to actually allow myself to be vulnerable enough to let them to be of support to me. In retrospect, I now know that this process helped me develop as a compassionate human being in my personal and spiritual life, as well as in my professional life.

  1. Use this time to reflect on what is important to you.

Undoubtedly, people trying to be supportive have told you that losing your job can be a “blessing in disguise.” When you first lose your job, it feels like a blow and not a blessing. While you may not see your job loss as a blessing, it is nonetheless a great opportunity to take the time to reflect on, and perhaps re-evaluate, your passions, priorities and values. For example, when I was laid off from my corporate job as an entertainment lawyer, it felt like a death blow. I no longer knew who I was, because I had so strongly identified myself as my job. When I got over the shock of losing my job, it became apparent to me that I was being given the opportunity to find a new career path that more suited my spiritual path and my personal development. The loss of my corporate job and following the steps described above allowed me to fulfill my dream to become a psychotherapist and grief counselor and to express who I really am.

 

 

           

 

 

           

 

 

 

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TREATING TRAUMA AND GRIEF: A HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

John was referred to me for counseling after his wife was killed by a drunk driver in a head-on collision witnessed by John.  Mary came to see me for grief counseling after her husband died a painful and horrific death from cancer.  Louise is seeing me to deal with intrusive memories of her brothers’ emotional abuse when she was caring for her dying father.

These three situations are different in many ways – different relationships, different coping mechanisms, different types of deaths.  However, each of these individuals is experiencing traumatic grief.  It might be more accurate to say that they are experiencing the effects of trauma that are preventing them from processing their grief in a healthy way.

Through my work with many clients experiencing traumatic grief, I have come to understand that trauma must be processed before the loss of a loved one can be processed in a healthy way.  This truth brings to mind “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.”

Abraham Maslow was a psychologist who posited that basic physiological needs, such as food and shelter, and then safety and security, must be attended to before one can accomplish “higher” needs, such as a sense of belonging, and ultimately, self-actualization and the achievement of one’s potential.  The classic diagram for Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a pyramid, with fundamental physical needs at the broad base of the pyramid, and self-actualization at its pinnacle.

In describing self-actualization, Maslow (1943) said:

“[S]elf-actualization… refers to the desire for self-fulfillment.  This tendency might be phrased as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming.”

The prioritization of needs to be attended to in the work of healing trauma and grief strikingly parallels Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  This hierarchy is reflected in trauma therapies like EMDR, which works first on the physical realm, then the behavioral, cognitive, emotional and ultimately the spiritual realm of existence.

The physical effects of trauma can be tremendous.  Many traumatized individuals have difficulty sleeping due to intrusive images and thoughts.  They are often hyper-vigilant, leading to imbalances in the adrenal and other bodily systems. These physical effects can lead to other dire effects, such as deep depression and suicidality. It is thus critical to treat these physical effects of trauma as the first priority.  Moreover, if one is experiencing the physical effects of trauma, it is virtually impossible to process the loss of a loved one in a healthy way.

Moving up the pyramid, once physical symptoms are managed, it is necessary to deal with the behavioral dysfunctions that often result from trauma.  For example, a person trying to cope with trauma may turn to drugs or alcohol in a vain attempt to ease the pain.  He or she may also self-isolate and cut off sources of social support.  Finding healthy ways to cope and and cultivating support are important in healing trauma and grief.

Cognitive work can be seen as the next priority in processing trauma.  Negative self-beliefs go hand-in-hand with trauma.  For example, the surviving partner of a sudden or violent death may believe “it’s all my fault.” An individual dealing with an abusive relationship may believe “I don’t deserve love.”  Cognitive therapeutic work is thus necessary to let go of the power of such erroneous thoughts.

Once the grip of erroneous negative self-beliefs is loosened, and those beliefs are replaced with positive and healthy beliefs, one can then go about the work of healing grief.  The intense emotions and unpredictability of grief can be navigated successfully on the broad base of physical well-being, healthy ways of coping, and positive beliefs.

The healing of grief, like working to achieve the stages of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, is a process of transformation and spiritual growth, i.e., self-actualization. The fruition of this process includes a sense of acceptance and realism, self-compassion and compassion for others, independence and interdependence, and an appreciation of life in all of its impermanence and imperfection.

References:

Maslow, A. H. (1943). A Theory of Human Motivation, Psychological Review 50, 370-96.

Maslow, A.H. (1943). Motivation and personality. New York: Harper.

 

 

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Mind the Gap: Living in the Space Between Loss and Healing

One of the most difficult phases in any life transition is the space of the unknown between a loss or change, and healing or new beginning.  All life changes, even positive ones, entail a sense of loss or grief.  For example, there is a sense of loss in giving up addictive behaviors like cigarette smoking, despite the fact that the change is a positive one.  Even the change of getting a better job or promotion entails loss — you might be giving up security, relationships and the comfort of the known in making such a change.  The most difficult changes involve the death of a loved one or death of a relationship.

Our lives are always in transition.  Every breath we take involves a transition, from inhaling to exhaling, to the gap or space before the next inhalation.     After the end of a phase in our lives, we have a tendency to jump into something (or someone) new, because that space of the unknown can be so uncomfortable.  William Bridges (1980) calls this space the “neutral zone.” As Bridges explains (p. 112), “one of the difficulties of being in transition in the modern world is that we have lost our appreciation for this gap in the continuity of existence.  For us, emptiness represents only the absence of something.  So, when the something is as important as relatedness and purpose and reality, we try to find ways of replacing those missing elements as quickly as possible.”

Resting in the space of the neutral zone — feeling the pain of our loss, exploring our options, getting to know ourselves on a deeper level — is the key to transformation and growth.   How can we sit in that space of the unknown that feels anything but neutral, without giving in to the impulse to do something?  The first step is to be rather than do, which sounds much easier than it is, until we develop some friendliness toward ourselves and our anxiety.  Notice the impulse, and instead of acting on it, explore it with curiosity:  Where do you feel it in your body?  What is it telling you?  Breathe into it and let it be without having to change it in any way.

Mindfulness meditation, especially mindful breathing, is very helpful in learning how to be in the gap or neutral zone:  Feel the cool air entering your nostrils on the in-breath.  Pause and then feel the warm air leaving your nostrils on the out-breath.  Notice in particular how the out-breath dissolves and experience the space before your next in-breath.

Journaling can also be helpful in navigating the neutral zone.  Journaling helps us get those swirling emotions out of our bodies and head in a way that is workable and spacious.  We can gain some perspective on the stages of our journey — a major function of the neutral zone, and get to appreciate that time as a time for renewal.

Finding a regular time and place to be alone is also helpful in the neutral zone.  The period after a loss is a natural time to turn inward. This time of year, the barren stillness of winter, is also a natural time to turn inward.  Experience the loss of summer’s richness and the loss of the autumn leaves.  Know the gap before spring comes again as a time for renewal.  Without death, there can be no rebirth.

The Christian mystics call this gap and time of turning inward the “dark night of the soul.” It is a time to allow ourselves to feel the pain and despair that is a universal part of the human condition in the face of loss and change.  We may feel bereft and spiritually arid, and it is necessary to feel those feelings in order to transform them.  Despair can be seen as the manure from which spiritual growth and personal transformation arise.  As Michael Washburn so beautifully says in the aptly titled article The Paradox of Finding One’s Way by Losing It (1996), “It is only in the depths of despair that genuine spiritual life is found.  It is a paradox that we sometimes have to lose our way in order to find our true self.  We sometimes have to die to the world and to our worldly self before we can discover that our deepest and truest self was within us all the time.”

REFERENCES

Bridges, W. (1980). Transitions:  Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Cambridge, MA:  Perseus Books.

Washburn, M. (1996).  The Paradox of Finding One’s Way by Losing It:  The Dark Night of the Soul and the Emergence of Faith.  In Sacred Sorrows, Nelson, J.E and Nelson, A., eds. New York:  G. Putnam’s Sons.

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Coping with Grief During the Holidays

The holiday season is upon us.  This time of year can be particularly difficult for those who are grieving the death of a loved one, and can revive or intensify one’s grief even after many years have passed.  Here are my top ten tips for coping with grief during the holiday season:

1.  Spend time with family and friends.

2.  Spend some “alone time” to reflect.

3.  Light a candle in your loved one’s honor.

4.  Volunteer your time to help others, with the intention that your are giving in honor of

your loved one.

5.  Tell stories about the life of your loved one.

6.  Write a letter to your loved one.

7.  Express your feelings through journaling or art.

8.  Make a donation to your loved one’s favorite charity or group.

9.  Have a party for the deceased with people who loved him or her, play his or her

favorite music and prepare his or her favorite foods.

10. Take care of yourself — buy yourself flowers, take a trip out of town, get a massage,

read a book, take a walk, and have a date with yourself.

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The Use of Narrative Therapy in the Transformative Work of Healing Painful Life Transitions

Helen Keller has said that “the only way to get to the other side is to go through the door.”  This is certainly true in the work of transforming painful emotions, such as those we experience after a divorce, into healing and growth. This process involves allowing ourselves to feel the intense emotions of grief – sadness, anger, despair and other difficult emotions, as well as tapping into our internal strengths and external sources of support.

Narrative therapy and has been used with a wide variety of difficulties and issues, including reactions to a major life transition.  The role of the narrative therapist is as collaborator or co-author with the client.  As such, the narrative therapist partners with the client to explore the stories that give meaning to the client’s life (White, 1995). The The

Narrative therapy is thus an empowering vehicle for “re-authoring lives” (Carr, 1998, p. 468; White, 1995), in which the therapist takes the role of a partner or collaborator with the client, rather than an authority figure (Angell, Dennis & Dumain, 1999).. The narrative therapist partners with the client to create a safe place to feel the emotions of loss and change, and to explore the stories that give meaning to the client’s life. The use of narrative or story is a useful vehicle for making meaning and sense of difficult experiences in our lives, by allowing us to access alternative cognitions and gain self-knowledge.

A narrative therapy tool that is often used in this work is the use of written expression, such as journaling and letter writing.  This can be a powerful vehicle for expressing the emotions of loss and change and accessing the individual’s unique internal strengths and resources.

The collaborative approach of the narrative therapist can be useful for accessing the client’s spiritual strengths by respectful inquiry into the client’s worldviews, including his or her beliefs before the loss, and how they may have changed since the loss, and discussing spiritual and existential issues that arise in this context. (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 2000, p. 167).

As one gets in touch on a deep level with his or her own suffering and resiliency in the face of that suffering, he or she can begin to get a panoramic view of the human condition and tap into his or her spiritual strength. Religious and spiritual beliefs have been observed to be one way in which individuals create meaning and a sense of order and purpose to the human condition and its difficult transitions (Golsworthy & Coyne, 1999; Calhoun & Tedeschi 2000).

Narrative therapy can be an effective tool for working painful emotions and finding new meaning in one’s life.  The process of expression literally takes deep feelings out of the body, externalizing them so that they become workable. Through this process, my clients are able to see that they have some control over their lives, and can tap into their strengths and their inherent wisdom.  With my guidance as a partner on the path of healing painful life transitions, my clients can discover their unique strengths, resources and resiliency, deepen their spiritual beliefs, and enhance the meaning of their lives in the context of the human condition.

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The Heroine’s Journey: The Modern Woman’s Quest for Professional and Personal Fulfillment

According to Carl Jung’s theory of human development, the first half of life is devoted to differentiation and development of one’s individual ego, and the goal of the second half of life is integration and a movement toward wholeness, also known as individuation.  Individuation is accomplished by developing the undeveloped side of one’s life.  Traditionally, for men, this entails developing the anima, the feminine capacities for nurturance, feeling and intuition. For women, this entails developing the animus, the masculine capacities for logical thinking, action and assertiveness.

However, my journey as a woman in the second half of life has taken a different path.  As a product of the feminist revolution of the 1960s and 1970s, I spent the first half of my life differentiating in a way that developed my male energy at the expense of my feminine nature.  I became an attorney in the male-oriented entertainment industry, and had to “act like a man” to succeed and survive.  I felt unfulfilled and incomplete as I moved into the second half of my life.  Being a high-powered attorney in New York City was no longer congruent with my changing identity.  As a result, when I turned 50, I become a psychotherapist in order to develop my nurturing, feminine and intuitive side, while also working as an attorney for musicians, and letting go of some of the trappings of my career as a New York corporate attorney.

The Process of Individuation

Carl Jung and Erik Erikson both emphasized adult development in their theories (Crain, 1992, p. 287).  For Erikson, the developmental task in mid-life is a choice between “generativity” and “stagnation.”  Staying on the outward-oriented path of ego development and differentiation without self-reflection can lead to stagnation and spiritual aridity. In contrast, turning inward with introspection in order to attain wholeness and balance in one’s life can lead to ego transcendence, and the ability to give back to younger generations, i.e., generativity.  Jung describes the journey toward integration as “our unconscious striving for centeredness, wholeness and meaning, …and inner urge to balance and reconcile the opposing aspects of our personalities,”  (Crain, 1992, p. 290).

Traditionally, the path to individuation is said to be achieved by developing “those unconscious parts of ourselves that carry the mystery of the sex that is not ours” (Singer, 1992, p. 134).  This model is not relevant for many modern women.  During the differentiation stage of the first half of life, high-achieving women by necessity developed the energy of the male sex, neglecting their feminine energy.  For such women, the path to individuation is a process of reuniting with the feminine qualities of their anima.

The Heroine’s Journey

Maureen Murdock’s book The Heroine’s Journey (1990) describes  the process of individuation for women like me as the “heroine’s journey.”   This journey entails (1) separation from the feminine (generally, the mother); (2) identification with the masculine and gathering of allies; (3) road of trials:  meeting ogres and dragons; (4) finding the boon of success; (4) awakening to feelings of spiritual aridity; (5) initiation and descent to the Goddess; (6) urgent yearning to reconnect with the feminine; (7) healing the mother/daughter split; (8) healing the wounded masculine; and (9) integration of masculine and feminine (Murdock, 1990, p. 5).

Murdock’s description aptly parallels my journey.  I separated from my mother to go to college to find a self-sufficient career.   I identified with my father as a successful professional, and gathered male allies during law school and as professional colleagues.  My road of trials entailed meeting ogres and dragons in the form of male bosses, competitors and back-stabbers.  I nonetheless prevailed and was highly successful.   However, this success became increasingly arid for me, and I descended into depression, yearning to reconnect with my nurturing, feminine spirit. In the process, the mother/daughter split was healed as I found my second half of life calling.

Conclusion

Therapists working with modern women can no longer rely on the traditional Jungian theories about the balancing of anima and animus to help those clients on their path to achieving personal and professional fulfillment.  For myself, I have known for some time that my anima and animus were out of balance, but the literature on the second half of life, emphasizing the development of the animus in women, did not fit my experience, and did not help me.  The heroine’s journey as described by Murdock is the first description I have found that validates my experience.  It is a valuable lesson for those working to assist women today in their search for wholeness and spiritual maturity.

References

Cooper, J.C. (2004).  An illustrated encyclopaieda of traditional symbols. New York:  Thames & Hudson

Crain, W. (1992).  Theories of development:  Concepts and applications (3rd ed.). New York:  Prentice-Hall, Inc.

Murdock, M. (1990). The heroine’s journey:  Woman’s quest for wholeness. Boston:  Shambhala Publications, Inc.

Singer, J. (1994).  Boundaries of the soul:  The practice of Jung’s psychology. New York:  Anchor Books.

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A Buddhist Approach to Grief Counseling

Grief theorists, in keeping with Western culture’s emphasis on autonomy and individuation as signposts of psychological health, have long held that disengaging from the deceased is necessary for the successful resolution of grief (Marwit & Klass, 1995).   For example, according to the psychoanalytic view of Freud (1917), grief work entails decathecting, or detaching libidinal energy from the deceased.  Furthermore, the attachment theory of Bowlby (1969) posits that the bereaved individual attempts to maintain a bond to the deceased until he or she realizes the impossibility of doing so, and eventually “lets go” of his or her relationship to the deceased.

The predominant beliefs in the importance of disengaging and letting go in resolving grief have been gradually giving way to the concept that continued attachment to the deceased loved one is a healthy and necessary task of the grief process (Silverman & Klass, 1996).  The work of Worden (1981, 1992, 2002) can be seen as a bridge between the majority view of theorists beginning with Freud and the more contemporary view of the importance of continuing bonds. Worden originally described one of the major tasks of mourning as “withdrawing emotional energy from the deceased and reinvesting it in another relationship” (1981, p. 13), in keeping with the goal of decathexis described by Freud.  Significantly, in subsequent editions of his work (1992, 2002), Worden acknowledged that the bereaved do not in actuality decathect from the deceased.  Accordingly, Worden now describes this task as “emotionally relocating the deceased and moving on with life” and suggests that finding a place for the deceased in the life of the bereaved “will enable the mourner to be connected with the deceased but in a way that will not preclude him or her from going on with life” (2002, p. 35).

My approach to grief counseling is strength-based and solution focused.  Narrative therapy, a relatively new model of cognitive therapy (Carr, 1998), is in accord with this focus.  Narrative therapy has been found to be useful for helping clients access continued attachment and spiritual beliefs about death as a means of making meaning and finding the strength to emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.

Grief as a Holistic and Spiritual Process

Worden (2002) has identified four tasks of grief: (1) to accept the reality of the loss; (2) to work through the pain of grief; (3) to adjust to an environment without the deceased; and (4) to emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.   Worden’s formulation recognizes that grief impacts the bereaved in the physical, behavioral, cognitive, emotional and spiritual domains (Worden, 2002; Attig 1996).  Similarly, Marrone (1995) has identified the following phases in the grief process:  (1) cognitive restructuring, in which the bereaved reorganizes and restructures his or her thoughts and concepts to assimilate a loss; (2) emotional expression of the experience of the loss; (3) psychological reintegration of new coping behaviors and cognitive strategies for adjusting to life without the deceased; and (4) psychospiritual transformation, “which involves a profound, growth-oriented spiritual/existential transformation that fundamentally changes our central assumptions, beliefs and attitudes about life, death, love, compassion or God” (p. 498).

The fourth phase or task identified by both Worden (2002) and Marrone (1995) as described above provides the ground for working to transform and maintain the bereaved’s relationship with the deceased loved one.  As observed by Silverman and Klass (1996), “we need to consider bereavement as a cognitive as well as emotional process that takes place in a social context of which the deceased is a part….People are changed by the experience; they do not get over it, and part of the change is a transformed but continuing relationship with the deceased” (p. 19).  Cognitive interventions are useful for accessing and working with this transformative process, and as discussed below, narrative therapy provides a powerful cognitive container for the transformative work of grief.

Spiritual belief in continued attachment as a source of strength.

Whereas Freud and his followers may have seen continued attachment to the deceased as a form of pathological grief, the experience of continued bonds to the deceased is now viewed as a strength, resource and form of resiliency in the normal grief process (Benore & Park, 2004; Angell, Dennis & Dumain,1998).    Coping with loss has been called “a spiritual process that includes locating our {loved ones] in time and place, and transporting our recreated ‘experiences’ to the here-and-now” (Angell, Dennis & Dumain, 1998, p. 618).  Benore and Park (2004) have found that religious and spiritual beliefs in an afterlife and continued attachment to the deceased enable one to adapt more easily to the death of a loved one:

“The bereaved who strongly believe in [continued attachment] do not need to reconcile a loss of the person, but rather a change in the relationship.  Beliefs that the deceased person and the resulting relationship continue may eliminate the        most distressing aspects of death, whereas those who do not believe in [continued  attachment] must deal with the difficult issues of permanent loss, the void in their life and relationship network, and the sense of isolation (p. 12).

Grief and Spiritual Transformation

As one gets in touch on a deep level with his or her own suffering and resiliency in the face of that suffering, he or she can begin to get a panoramic view of the human condition and tap into his or her spiritual strength. Religious and spiritual beliefs have been observed to be one way in which individuals create meaning and a sense of order and purpose to the human condition, life and death, as well as creating an ongoing relationship with the deceased (Golsworthy & Coyne, 1999; Calhoun & Tedeschi 2000). “Because religious beliefs are central to many people’s global meaning systems, and because death is a central arena for the enactment of religious beliefs, these beliefs are likely to be a central part of the process of coping and adjustment following bereavement for many people” including beliefs in continued attachment to the deceased (Benore & Park, 2004, p.4).

The strength-based approach I use with my grieving clients, through the use of techniques of narrative and solution-focused therapy, is informed by my Buddhist practice.  In particular, I come to each session with my clients with the ground that each human being possesses inherent wisdom, or Buddha Nature, and that this wisdom can be called upon to access the individual’s strengths and resilience in times of suffering.  As Levine (1982) notes, grief fully experienced allows us to “plumb the depths” of our souls and to “touch something essential in [our] being….[W]hat is often called tragedy holds the seeds of grace” (pp. 85-86). Those “seeds of grace” are the basic goodness or Buddha Nature possessed by all, and it is my job as collaborator or partner in the journey of grief to support my clients in getting in touch with the strengths that they possess but which may be obscured by the intensity of their feelings of helplessness and loss.  Through narrative therapy, including the use of literary and other creative forms of expression, clients are able to create some space around that intensity, which in turn gives them some perspective and hope for change and transformation.

The broader perspective that can be reached through narrative therapy techniques can put the client in touch with both the uniqueness and universality of grief and suffering.  Paradoxically, contemplating the universal truth of suffering can open us to acceptance and peace.  As His Holiness the Dalai Lama (1998) observes, “if we can transform our attitude towards suffering, adopt an attitude that allows us greater tolerance of it, then this can do much to help counteract feelings of mental unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and discontent” (p. 140).  The Dalai Lama (1998) suggests that the most effective practice to help one tolerate suffering is to contemplate and understand that “suffering is the underlying nature” of existence as human beings:  “If your basic outlook accepts that suffering is a natural part of your existence, this will undoubtedly make you more tolerant towards the adversities of life” (pp. 141-142). Through allowing ourselves to experience and express our suffering, we can see that there is a way out of that suffering, through working with it as a fact of life, and finding a meaningful way to grow, transforming hopelessness into hope and possibility.  Narrative and solution-focused therapy can foster the realization that grief is not necessarily pathological, but an integral component of the human condition.  Through experiencing our own unique grief, we can tap into its universality, lessening our hopelessness and isolation, and deepening our connection with others and the human condition.  This is the transpersonal and transformative work of healing grief.

References

Angell, G.B., Dennis, B.G. & Dumain, L.E. (1998). Spirituality, resilience and narrative:  Coping with parental death.  Families in Society:  The Journal of Contemporary Human Services, 615-629.

Attig, T.  (1996).  How we grieve: Relearning the world. New York:  Oxford University Press.

Benore, E.R. and Park, C. L. (2004).  Death specific religious beliefs and bereavement:  Belief in an afterlife and continued attachment.  The International Journal for the Psychology of Religion 14(1), 1-22.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Attachment (vol. 1). New York:  Basic Books.

Calhoun, L.G. & Tedeschi, R.G. (2000). Posttraumatic growth: The positive lessons of loss. In Neimeyer, R.A. (Ed.), Meaning reconstruction and the experience of loss (pp. 157-172). Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.

Carr, A. (1998). Michael White’s narrative therapy.  Contemporary Family Therapy, 20(4), 485-503.

Dalai Lama, H.H. & Cutler, H. (1998). The art of happiness:  A handbook for living.

New York:  Riverhead Books.

Freud, S. (1917). Mourning and melancholia. Standard edition of the complete works of Sigmund Freud (vol. 14). London:  Hogarth Press.

Golsworthy, R. & Coyle, A. (1999). Spiritual beliefs and the search for meaning among older adults following partner loss.  Mortality, 4(1), 21-39.]

Klass, D. (1993). The inner representation of the dead child and the worldviews of bereaved parents. Omega, 26(4), 255-272.

Levine, S.  (1982). Who dies? An investigation of conscious living and conscious dying. Garden City, NY:  Anchor Press.

Marrone, R. (1999). Dying, mourning, and spirituality: A psychological perspective. Death Studies, 23, 495-519.

Marwit, S. & Klass, D. (1995).  Grief and the role of the inner representation of the deceased. Omega, 30(4), 283-296.

Silverman, P.R. & Klass, D. (1996).  What’s the problem? In Klass, D., Silverman, P.R. & Nickman, S.L. (Eds.), Continuing bonds:  New understandings of grief (pp. 3-27). Philadelphia: Taylor & Francis.

Worden, J.W. (2002, 1992, 1981). Grief counseling and grief therapy:  A handbook for the mental health practitioner. New York:  Springer Publishing Company, Inc.

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Treating Depression in the Elderly

Contrary to popular belief, depression is not a “normal” part of the aging process, but a treatable mental health condition. Symptoms of depression include feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, guilt, isolation and unrealistically negative beliefs about oneself. These feelings not only affect the depressed person, but also their family members, loved ones and caregivers.

Depression is unlikely to go away by itself, and the guidance of a professional counselor, in addition to a physician, is often warranted. In fact, psychotherapy has been found to very likely help the depressed senior live a happier, more fulfilling life and decrease the risk of suicide.

There are a number of things a loved one or caregiver can do to help alleviate a depressed senior’s depression. These include:

1. Make sure the depressed person sleeps and eats regularly.
2. Reinforce rewarding experiences and activities, including exercise.
3. Explore spiritual or religious beliefs as a source of personal comfort and support.
4. Allow the depressed person to tell his or her story, called “life review”, through techniques such as guided journaling, letter writing, autobiography or collage.

A counselor or psychotherapist trained in narrative therapy can be particularly helpful for helping seniors find meaning and a sense of integrity and ease their feelings of depression.  Narrative therapy is particularly helpful in helping depressed clients reconcile the inevitable losses incurred over a lifetime and find meaning in those losses in the context of their lives through the telling of the story of their lives. The role of the narrative therapist is to bear witness to the complexity and rich nuances of the evolving story and collaborate with the client in to make sense of his or her losses and find healing and growth through the process of reconciling those losses and acknowledging the contributions they have made in their lives.

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Today’s Top Ten on Healing Grief

Grief and loss are stressful — physically, emotionally and spiritually. Remember to take care of yourself.  Here are my top ten ways to transform loss into healing and growth:

1.  Eat nourishing foods.

2. Get plenty of rest.

3. Exercise — especially walking.

4.  Allow yourself to cry — and drink lots of water (crying is dehydrating).

5.  Surround yourself with loving people.

6. Journal — don’t worry about grammar or spelling!

7. Meditate.

8. Take a warm bath.

9.  Appreciate nature.

10. If your feelings are overwhelming, see a trained grief counselor or psychotherapist.