Relationships

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IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU

Have you ever noticed that the people in your life have different opinions and viewpoints about you? If the “self” or “I” were solid, how would that be possible? People’s views are merely their own projections, and no two people see things in exactly the same way.

I can now laugh when I remember all those times in my dating life when someone would break up with me saying, “It’s not about you; it’s me.” It used to be really painful to hear this, thinking that something must be wrong with me. What makes me laugh now is that I’ve come to realize that what they said is really true! It’s not “me” those guys were breaking up with; rather it was their projections about who they thought I was.

This concept has been very helpful for me in my personal and professional relationships when I feel judged or criticized. I’ve learned that when I am able to get my ego out of the way, I can actually hear what another person is saying or requesting, without the need to defend myself.

For example, when someone criticizes something I did, my mindless habitual tendency is to immediately defend myself. At those times, when I’m not mindful, my ego rears its head, and I don’t hear the request underlying the criticism or the person’s projections about me. Through mindfulness and discipline, I am now able to let go of my knee-jerk reaction to protect my ego … at least most of the time.

One of the best tools I have found for letting go of the tendency to defend my ego is to slow down and feel the body sensations connected with my emotional response to what I perceive as criticism or judgment. Dzogchen Ponlop, in his book, Emotional Rescue: How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy that Empowers You[i], calls this space  “Mindful Gap.”

For me, it’s a clenching in my stomach and jaw, and fluttering in my heart.  When I am able to slow down without immediately reacting, I take a breath and ask myself what those body sensations are telling me. My body often tells me at those times that I’m feeling hurt and misunderstood.

Here’s a simple practice for working with difficult emotions that arise when you feel judged or criticized:

  • Slow down and feel the body sensations, in the space of Mindful Gap.
  • In the feeling space of Mindful Gap, look and see what your body sensations are telling you, noticing your habitual responses without reacting. Dzogchen Ponlop calls this “Clear Seeing.” The more you practice Clear Seeing you will more quickly recognize your habitual reactions as they arise and not respond in a way that is harmful to yourself and others.
  • Take another deep breath, let go of the tension and relax. In this more relaxed space of what Dzogchen Ponlop calls “Letting go,” you will know the best way to respond (which may be to not respond at all) and relax.

Tibet’s famous yogi, Milarepa, sang that “Mind has even more projections than there are dust motes in the sun.”  I often hum that line to myself when I feel criticized or judged.  I have found this to be a powerful reminder for letting go!

When I’m able to leave my ego at the door, I can breathe into my hurt feelings with self-compassion and let them go. I can then determine what the underlying communication truly is, and respond responsibly. This is the opening into true compassion and connection.

 

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[i]Dzogchen Ponlop. (2016).  Emotional Rescue:  How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion Into Energy That Empowers You.  New York:  Tarchen/Perigee.  For more information about Emotional Rescue courses, go to http://www.emonalrescue.info

© 2020 Beth S. Patterson.   All rights reserved.

 

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THE SACRED EXPERIENCE OF LISTENING AND BEING HEARD

Many of my clients come to therapy because they have not been truly heard throughout their lives. Healing begins when the client feels heard by the therapist. When clients have an experience of being heard fully and without judgment by the therapist, they can take the experience of listening and being heard into their lives and experience the sacred space between themselves and others.

Being heard goes hand-in-hand with “active listening.”   Wikipedia describes  active listening as “a special way of reflecting back what the other person has expressed to let him/her know you are listening…. Active Listening is a restatement of the other person’s communication, both the words and the accompanying feelings, i.e., nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body posture.”

Instead of active listening, we often interrupt the speaker with our own ideas or agenda, assume we know what the speaker is going to say and tune them out, get triggered by the depth of what is being said and shut down, or get distracted by our own thoughts.

Active listening involves one’s whole being. It is not just passive silence, but a way of using body, heart and mind to truly hear what the other person is saying and to convey that he or she is being heard. This is done through means such as paraphrasing, reflecting back what you heard, asking questions, maintaining eye contact or nodding your head.

Active listening is a mutual act between the listener and speaker. We listen not only to the words, but also to body language, inflection, tone and other modes of expression. For example, if a friend is telling a story about a great experience visiting family, but her facial expression seems sad, there may be something that is not being expressed in words.

The best instruction I have received for active listening is two words: “Be curious.” Using the example above, the listener might ask “your face looks sad to me when you just told me about your family visit. Is there anything you are sad about?” It takes practice to not assume that you know what is going on and to not judge what you have heard. Asking questions in this way allows both speaker and listener to go deeper and develop closeness and intimacy.

Something sacred happens through active listening and being heard. The Jewish theologian Martin Buber called this the “I and Thou” experience. A sacred space is created between two people when they truly listen and are heard. According to Buber, the ultimate sacred space is that between a person and God. In Buddhism, this can be the experience of our inherent Buddha Nature – the primordial wisdom and purity that exists in all of us at all times, but which we forget as we go through life and start to build defenses against being spontaneously present with ourselves and others.

Only by understanding that we are all in the same boat we call human life can we listen and be heard, with empathy and openness. Instead, we often view those with whom we relate as totally separate from us. We do so to protect ourselves from being seen, or to satisfy some agenda. Buber calls such an interaction “I and It” rather than I and Thou.

The experience of I and Thou can only be sustained when we are fully open and mindful, noticing when we shut down and protect ourselves or when we stop listening to another. Seeing when we shut down can be instructive. It can show us where we are stuck in not wanting to be close and intimate with others. By understanding the triggers that cause us to shut down and protect ourselves, we can develop compassion for ourselves and others and be fully being present with others, without an agenda or guardedness.

I have always found it interesting that the words “heard” and “heart” are so similar. Our wounded hearts can be healed by the mutual experience of listening with our whole body, heart and mind and being heard. We can then experience the sacred space of I and Thou between us.  As Zen Buddhist teacher Joan Halifax has said:

Listening means that we have stabilized our minds so completely thatthe person who is speaking can actually hear themselves through our stillness. It is a quality of radiant listening, of luminous listening, of vibrant listening, but it is also very still. It is listening with attention, with openheartedness, without prejudice. We listen with our being. We offer our whole listening body.[1]

 

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[1] Joan Halifax, in Gifts of the Spirit, by Philip Zaleski & Paul Kaufman (1997).

 

© 2017 Beth S. Patterson, MA, LPC. All rights reserved.

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DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

How many times has someone said to you “don’t take it personally”? You have probably heard it so many times that the phrase has lost all meaning. Yet, the truth is that almost nothing is truly personal. Further, not taking things personally allows us to experience self-compassion and compassion for others.

We suffer when we believe in a solid sense of “I.” This is the fundamental tenet of the first of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism. Developing an understanding of this First Noble Truth is the key to the experience of freedom and ease. Believing in the true existence of “I” is commonly referred to in Buddhism as ego-clinging. It can also be called self-importance.

Everything is a Projection

People do not see things in exactly the same way. Rather, what each of us perceives is a projection, based on numerous factors, such as habits, assumptions, culture, values and preferences. In fact, the only things the eye directly sees are colors and shapes.

I often help my clients develop their understanding of projections by looking at a plant in my office. I ask them what they see. They may say they see a pretty philodendron. When we analyze that, we realize that “pretty” is an evaluation and “philodendron” is a label. So, what is seen under the labels and evaluations? All that the eye truly registers on the optic nerve are colors and shapes.

Seeing mere colors and shapes does not satisfy our busy brains. We take the color and shape and add labels, evaluations, stories, and on and on until it becomes an epic novel. For example, from the color and shape, we label the plant and then evaluate it. Unless we are mindful about our proliferating thoughts, we may go on and think about the last time the plant was watered and if it needs pruning. We may even go further and judge ourselves for not having a green thumb.

It is the same when we see another person. We don’t stop with what we see directly. Rather, we go on to project all our own “stuff” on that person: good person, bad person, fat person, fit person, attractive person, unattractive person and on and on. Of course, human connection is far more nuanced than mere colors and shapes. However, an understanding that what another sees is his or her particular projection is helpful when we are feeling judged or criticized. This does not mean that constructive criticism is to be ignored. What we should remember, however, is that it is your behavior that is being critiqued, and not who you actually are.

Not taking things personally as the key to compassion and harmony

Not taking things personally is also a key to effective and responsible communication. When we put aside our ego-clinging and self-importance, we can better hear what another is actually saying. Behind every criticism or judgment is a need that is not being expressed in a compassionate manner. Instead of defending our position and taking what is being said personally, take a breath or two before automatically reacting defensively. Feel what your body is telling you. For example, does that clenching tightness in your gut feel like anger or hurt? When you understand what you are feeling, you can more ably discern how to respond, and even whether to respond at all.

For example, if a partner says, “you never wash the dishes,” what he or she is likely expressing is a request that you do the dishes. A typical kneejerk reaction would be to defend yourself, responding “that’s not true. I washed the dishes last Tuesday.” A defensive reaction such as this is likely to create more tension. Instead, we can respond with compassion, both for what we feel and for what our partner is asking.

If what is being said is intentionally mean or verbally abusive, it may be best to disengage in order to feel safe. Responding defensively may escalate an already difficult situation. By disengaging in those situations, you can best contemplate and choose the best choice of action for yourself under the circumstances.

Not taking things personally may take practice, patience and mindfulness in order to let go of our need to be right or defend our position. The result is a more kind and compassionate relationship, both with ourselves and with others.

© 2016 Beth S. Patterson. All rights reserved.

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LETTING GO IS NOT GIVING UP


“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.
None but ourselves can free our minds.”
–Bob Marley, Redemption Song

We resist the idea of letting go because we tend to equate it with giving up or surrendering to another’s will. When we let go and accept what we are actually feeling and listen to what another is saying, compassion and freedom can arise. In contrast, when we immediately guard or defend ourselves, we cannot hear what another is actually saying. In addition, when we reflexively defend our position, we are dissociating ourselves from our emotions and the truth.

How to Let Go

The first step in letting go is to experience our feelings in a direct, non-judgmental and honest way. The best way to do that is to take a breath and feel your bodily sensations. For example, if someone says something to me that seems judgmental or accusatory, my go-to reflexive response is to immediately defend myself and my position. When that happens, the tension between us escalates, and neither of us truly hears what the other person is saying.

When I am mindful and take a step back before automatically reacting, I can hear both what the other person is asking, and what I am feeling in response. In his book Emotional Rescue: How to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy that Empowers You , Dzogchen Ponlop calls this taking a “mindful gap.” Taking a pause rather than immediately reacting allows me to hold the present moment, feel the energy in my body, and look directly at my experience, without creating extraneous thoughts or story lines.

Using the example of someone saying something to me that seems judgmental or accusatory, when I take a mindful step back and observe my bodily sensations, I may feel a tightness in my heart. I breathe into that tightness and find that what I am feeling is hurt and sadness. Then I can get perspective and can choose to respond in a responsible way, hearing the need the other person is expressing rather than my hurt feelings. This does not mean that I give up feeling hurt, but rather, take responsibility for it in a compassionate way. I can then let it go and respond in an empathic and responsible way.

From Emotional Slavery to Emotional Liberation

This process is described by Marshall Rosenberg in his seminal book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life : “We take responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values and thoughts.” This is the key to compassionate communication and healing our relationships, with ourselves and all others.

The result of taking responsibility in this way is what Rosenberg calls “emotional liberation.” Freedom occurs when we experience and take responsibility for our feelings, understand what another needs and what we need, and make requests that are in accord with our needs. As Bob Marley notes in Redemption Song, when we own our feelings, we can free ourselves from “mental slavery” and let go.

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References:

Bob Marley, Redemption Song. © 1980. Kobalt Music Pub. America o/b/o Fifty-Six Hope Road Music Pub. Ltd. and Blackwell Fuller Music Pub. Ltd.

Dzogchen Ponlop. (2016). Emotional Rescue: How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion Into Energy That Empowers You. New York: Tarchen/Perigee. https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Rescue-Emotions-Transform-Confusion/

M. Rosenberg. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. 3rd edition. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/

(c) 2016 Beth S. Patterson. All rights reserved

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 LIVING WITH A PARTNER WITH DEPRESSION OR BIPOLAR DISORDER

 

The recent suicide of Robin Williams awakened many of us to the toll depression or bipolar disorder takes not only on the afflicted person, but also on those of us who love and live with the person with a mood disorder. As the tragedy of Robin Williams illustrates, there is no such thing as being “just” depressed. Depression and other mood disorders are serious illnesses, and mental illness should be treated as seriously as physical illness. Partners of mentally ill loved ones are often thrust into the role of caregiver, and self-care is paramount.

Here are some tips for caring of yourself while caring for someone with depression, bipolar disorder or other mood disorders.

1. Set healthy boundaries. It is tempting to forget your own needs when living with someone with a mood disorder. Remember that you need to take care of yourself. If you do not, you will become resentful and may suffer burn out and your own depression.

2. Do not isolate yourself. A person with a mood disorder is likely to isolate him or herself. This is a primary symptom of the disorder. It is also often a result of the shame or guilt the depressed person feels. Make sure to maintain your friendships, work life and the activities that give you satisfaction.

3. Learn about the disorder. This will help you understand your partner and give you tools for caring about yourself while caring for your loved one. If he or she suffers from bipolar disorder, learn not to say “he is bipolar.” He or she is not their illness, but someone with an illness. Learning about the disorder will also help you to….

4. Don’t take it personally. A symptom of many mood disorders is irritability and uncontrolled anger. Do not take it personally, as hard as that may seem when your loved one is lashing out and directing his or her anger toward you. Do not argue or defend yourself at those times – it is like trying to be rational with a baby having a temper tantrum. Arguing and expressing your anger at these times will only escalate the situation. If the anger is overly hurtful, disengage, and walk away, as unemotionally as you can, while not suppressing your own feelings. You can say “I know you are hurting right now, but you are also hurting me. We’ll talk after you feel a little better.”

5. Determine if the anger is abusive, and weigh honestly whether to stay or leave. Only you know if the personal attacks are overly abusive and if they outweigh the love and good in the relationship. If you are in danger physically or emotionally, it will likely be best for you to leave the relationship. Abuse is never acceptable. Determine if the angry outbursts and behaviors are simply that or if they cross the line into abuse. If it is only occasional emotional attacks, that may be acceptable, but only you can judge how much it is affecting you and your life.

6. Take care of your own feelings and health. It is important to preserve your own health, both physical and mental, when you are living with a person with mental illness. You need to express your feelings, or you will become depressed yourself. Allow yourself a good cry, take a walk, hit a pillow or stamp your feet to get the feelings out. It is best not to do this in front of your loved one, as this may result in further guilt, shame and depression for him or her. Talk to a trusted friend. Get professional counseling for yourself. Get a massage. Exercise. Stay connected to your spiritual community.

7. Do not try to “cure” or “fix” your loved one. He or she may hope, whether consciously or unconsciously, that you will be a savior/rescuer and cure the illness. Remember that this is not your role or job. Remind your loved one of this gently and firmly, and suggest professional help. This is a big piece in setting a healthy boundary. Do not nag about that, as tempting as that may be.  Make suggestions once, avoiding the word” should.” He or she will hear you, and may just not be ready to take the necessary steps toward healing. Remember that only your loved one can choose to get the help he or she needs, and forcing him or her into therapy or into taking other steps will backfire if he or she is not ready to commit to the process.

8. Do not feel guilty about your loved one’s depression or other mood disorder. Remember that you are not responsible for it. Offer support, understanding and love, and again, don’t take it personally.

9. Do not make excuses for your loved one. Unfortunately, the negative symptoms of a mood disorder, such as undue anger, irritability and self-isolation, often spill over into other areas of your loved one’s and can affect your relationships with others. Let your loved one know that you will not make dishonest excuses, while assuring him or her that you will not divulge confidential information. If we all start saying “We would love to see you, but my partner is dealing with depression and is unable to go out tonight” we will begin to take away the stigma associated with mental illness. We have no problem excusing ourselves when we have a cold – why should it be any different with symptoms of a mental illness?

10. Be willing to engage in activities without your loved one. This goes hand in hand with not isolating yourself. If your loved one’s illness prevents him or her from keeping a social commitment, go yourself, especially if it is a commitment with a friend or community that nurtures you.

11. Have compassion for yourself, and acknowledge the good you are doing. Living with someone with a mental illness is a difficult challenge. Know that staying with your loved one and acting in the best interest of both yourself and your partner are acts of courage and compassion. Remember that you cannot have compassion for another unless you have compassion first and foremost for yourself.

 

 

 

 

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NAVIGATING A LOVED ONE’S ANGER

It has been a long, hard day. You rush home to make dinner for yourself and your partner. He/she comes home grumpy after a frustrating day at work, throwing his/her briefcase down with a thump, sighing and ordering you to make a drink. You quickly oblige, knowing that his/her anger could quickly escalate. You rush back into the kitchen to get dinner ready and on the table. Your partner sits down with yet another sigh. You try to make small talk, which is ignored. Immediately, the dinner is criticized as too cold, and you are criticized as a lousy cook. You defend your cooking and yourself, and your partner’s anger escalates. Soon you are both engaging in a screaming match.

Sound familiar? How can you navigate your partner’s anger in a more productive way? Here are some tips:

• As soon as you notice that your partner is unhappy or frustrated, center yourself. Slow down and breathe.

• Remind yourself not to take his/her anger personally.

• Practice “tonglen on the spot.” Tonglen is a Tibetan Buddhist compassion practice in which you breathe in pain and suffering and breathe out peace, love and compassion. First do some tonglen for yourself: Breathe in your hurt feelings and the suffering you feel, focusing on where you feel it in your body. Then, breathe out peace and light into that hurt. You can then practice tonglen for your partner – breathe in his/her pain and suffering and breathe out love and compassion for him/her. This can take a very short time, and is very effective in slowing down the force of anger and increasing compassion for yourself and all others.

Our first reaction when we are hurt is to react and defend ourselves. This is a habitual pattern that may take some time and mindfulness to break. When I asked my Buddhist teacher the best way to deal with this unproductive habit, his one word response was “Disengage.” The tips described above can be very helpful in learning to disengage from another’s anger and not react.

I am also reminded of the 70s saying “What you resist persists.” One way to experience this notion is to push one of your hands push against the other one. Notice how this increases the force of energy in both hands. Now, instead of pushing against the moving hand, go with the direction of that hand. Notice how the force dissipates when there is nothing pushing against it. Another analogy I find helpful is navigating a skid: Going in the direction of the skid is what works. If you go against it, you’ll be in trouble.

Similarly, like in the scenario presented at the beginning of this article, if you defend against anger by pushing against it, the force of that anger will increase. Find a way to let your partner’s anger be rather than resisting it. Breathing and knowing that it’s not about you will help. Saying “I’m sorry you had a hard day” may be one way to do it. If that doesn’t work and your partner can’t control his/her anger, you may have to leave the room until he/she settles down. Continue to remember that your loved one is hurting and doesn’t know how to handle it at that moment. When things quiet down, the two of you can work together to come to an agreement as to how to handle anger in your relationship in the future.

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How to Be with Someone who is Grieiving

Your best friend’s beloved cat just died.   Your favorite co-worker was just laid off.  Your elderly aunt, who suffered from cancer for many years, just died and your cousin is bereft.  In any one of these situations, you might likely be uncomfortable, and don’t know what to do.  You are certainly not alone with this dilemma.

The first thing to remember in being with someone who is grieving a loss is the word “be” – notice that the title of this article starts with “how to be”, not “what to do.”  You may be tempted in the case of the death of your best friend’s cat to offer to take him to get a new pet.  In the case of your laid off co-worker, you might be tempted to give her resume- writing or job-hunting tips.  In the case of the death of your aunt, you may be tempted to tell your cousin that the death was a blessing and at least she lived a long life.

Although these possible reactions sound like they might be helpful, they actually can do more harm than good at the beginning of someone’s grief process. Here are some “doing” things to avoid:

  • Avoid the temptation to fix it.  People don’t like to feel that something is wrong with them that needs to be fixed.
  • Avoid giving advice, unless it is asked for.
  • Avoid the use of clichés, such as “maybe it’s a blessing” or “I know just how you feel” or “God works in mysterious ways.”

The key to being with a grieving person is listening.  Sounds easy, doesn’t it?  However, listening is really not that easy for most of us.  We find it much easier to do than to be.  So, we give advice, or offer to fix it or do something else to fill the space.  It is difficult for us to sit in silence with another, being a caring presence.  We tend to be uncomfortable witnessing another’s suffering and sitting in that empty, groundless space.  So, we do things to fill that silent space that are well-intended but not helpful to the grieving person.

The following are some keys to effective listening and being a caring presence for someone who is grieving:

  • Center yourself before entering the room.  Have the intention of being present for your friend. Slow down. Breathe mindfully, inhaling nourishment and ease for yourself and your friend, and exhaling stress and tension.  Feel your feet on the floor in order to get grounded.
  • Leave all distractions aside.  Turn off your cellphone, iPad and computer.  Don’t worry – your messages will still be there and can wait.  Forget about your plans for the rest of the day — they too can wait.
  • As you sit with your friend, check in with yourself periodically, putting about seventy-five percent of your attention on your friend, and about twenty-five percent on yourself.  Check to see if you are staying present – Is your mind wandering? Are you jumping ahead and figuring out the next thing to say?  Are you getting anxious hearing about your friend’s loss?
  • Leave your agenda at the door – simply be with your friend as he or she is at that moment, as much as your might wish to make it better or different – remember that it’s their process, not yours.
  • In staying present, be aware of your own triggers.  Perhaps you lost a beloved pet, just as your friend just did, and being with your friend is triggering your own pain.  Breathe into that pain for yourself, and breathe out from that tender place for your friend.  Your own pain is truly an opportunity to be authentically and open-heartedly present with your friend, and an opportunity for healing for both of you.

 

There is nothing more healing than feeling truly heard and understood.  This is the essence of active listening and “companioning”:  being with another in life’s journey as equals on the path.  Listening to and being a mirror for another’s pain is the essence of companioning.  As the eminent humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers noted:

I find that when I am close to my inner, intuitive self, when I am somehow in touch with the unknown in me…whatever I do seems to be full of healing. Then, simply my presence is releasing and helpful to the other. There is nothing I can do to force this experience, but when I can relax and be close to the transcendental core of me…it seems that my inner spirit has reached out and touched the inner spirit of the other. Our relationship transcends itself and becomes a part of something larger. Profound growth and healing and energy are present (Rogers, A Way of Being, 1980).

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Using Anger Mindfully

Many of us, especially those on the spiritual path, tend to look at anger as an entirely negative emotion.  However, anger used mindfully can be extremely positive, powerful and ultimately healing.  Anger is simply energy, and we always have a choice as to what to do with it. Dzogchen Ponlop, in his recent book Rebel Buddha (2010) aptly states:

We usually think of anger … as negative.  Ordinarily, our impulse would be either to cut through it and get rid of it or to transform its intense energy into good qualities like clarity and patience….[T]he  direct experience of our unprocessed, raw emotions can generate a direct experience of wakefulness. These emotions are powerful agents in bringing about our freedom, if we can work with them properly (p. 144).

So, what do we do that that energy?  We are often afraid to feel its raw power, and fear that expressing it will make us seem less than the kind compassionate people we are.  However, using anger mindfully will actually awaken our compassion, starting with compassionate lovingkindness toward ourselves.

In fact, many people who are compassionate toward others do not treat themselves with the same degree of compassion, and are self-critical and often depressed.  It has been said that depression is “anger turned inward.”  One of the major goals in treating depression in psychotherapy and in grief counseling is to help clients feel safe to express their anger, and turn the energy of anger outward.  “Ex-pressing” anger literally means pushing it out, so that it becomes workable and is not a toxic agent against oneself.

Anger in its pure form, without the “additives” of concept and labeling it as a bad thing, is simply energy.  The key is to harness that energy through the use of mindfulness.  Mindfulness enables us to recognize the anger without simply reacting — either spitting it out against another or turning it against ourselves.  By looking at it without reacting, we have the ability to choose to use our anger productively.

The following are some suggestions for using anger mindfully:

  • Notice how anger manifests in your body — is it a burning sensation in your heart?  A cold tight clenching in the pit of your stomach?  A flush of heat in your face or hands?  Become as familiar as you can with your own unique physical “early warning signs” of anger so you can catch its energy without reacting.
  • As soon as you notice the physical sensation of anger, stop and breathe.  Allow the energy of anger to wake you up to what is actually happening at that moment.
  • Give yourself permission to feel hurt, abandoned, scared, frustrated or sad with a sense of compassion for yourself.  Breathe in light, peace and compassion, and breathe out the dark, heavy sensations of anger without judgment, accepting it just as it is.
  • If you notice the anger turning inward against yourself, continue to breathe it out more forcefully.  Use your body to keep the energy of the anger outward — shake it off your hands into the air, stomp it into the ground with your feet  — whatever it takes not to turn that energy against yourself.
  • Be curious.  Ask yourself:  “What is this feeling?  What is it telling me?”
  • Trust your body to tell you the appropriate course of action.  Is there something you need to say to someone who has hurt you, in a way that will forward your own healing and contribute to the growth of the other person and your relationship with him or her?  Is it something you can simply let be, making sure not to turn the anger inward?

As Stephen Levine (1987) eloquently says, “the investigation of anger…leads us directly to the love beneath, to our underlying nature. When we bring anger into the area where we can respond to it, where we can investigate it, where we can embrace it, it emerges into the light of our wholeness….Then anger is no longer a hindrance, but a profound teacher.”

References

Dzogchen Ponlop (2010).   Rebel Buddha: On the Road to Freedom.  Boston:     Shambhala Publications, Inc.

Stephen Levine (1987).  Healing into Life and Death.  New York:  Doubleday, a division of Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc.

© 2011.  Beth S. Patterson, MA, LPC.  All rights reserved.

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The Pain of Unaccepted Grief

Some forms of grief are unaccepted in our society.  This has come to be known as “disenfranchised grief.”

For example, Carl’s partner Bob died. Bob’s parents would not allow Carl to play a role in Bob’s funeral plans.  Peggy’s beloved dog Lolly died three months ago, and her friends don’t understand the depth of her grief. Janet’s ex-husband died in a car accident, and her friends think she should be glad he is finally out of her life instead of being sad and grieving. Barbara’s best friend committed suicide, and she feels more judgment than compassion from her peers regarding the death.  Laurie’s son has been diagnosed with a debilitating mental illness, and her family and friends don’t understand her grief.

These are all examples of what has been called (Doka, 1989) “disenfranchised grief.” Disenfranchised grief has been described as “a grief that persons experience when they sustain a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported” (Doka, 1989, p. 6). Disenfranchised grievers may feel that they don’t have the right to grieve, and may feel abandoned or isolated in their pain. Validation, acknowledgement and support are vital to the healing of grief, and when these elements are missing, the grief process can become complicated and difficult, requiring professional grief counseling.

Disenfranchised grief can occur when (1) the relationship is not recognized, (2) the loss is not recognized, or (3) the griever is not recognized. Examples of unrecognized relationships include those between gay partners, ex-spouses, neighbors, colleagues, counselors and others. In the example of Carl and Bob described above, Carl sought grief counseling to work out his feelings of anger toward Bob’s parents and toward the medical establishment. My nonjudgmental validation of Carl’s feelings and acceptance of his grief assisted him on the road to healing.

Pet loss is an important example of a loss that is not recognized. Peggy came to see me because her grief about the loss of her beloved Lolly had become depression: she blamed herself for Lolly’s death, and was judging herself and feeling shame for having such strong feelings of grief. Peggy’s harsh self-judgments were reinforced by the responses of her friends that it was “only a dog” and that she should “get over it.” In validating the depth of Peggy’s grief, I assured her of the strength of the human-animal bond and the unconditional love we receive from our pets, and that her grief was not only acceptable, but right.

Other examples of losses that are not universally recognized or accepted include abortion, divorce, infertility, job loss, disability, suicide and witnessing another’s decline due to dementia. Some of these losses, such as suicide or abortion, are not always socially validated, and cannot always be publicly expressed. A deep sense of loss may be felt after losing a job, losing one’s independence due to disability or illness or having a loved one with dementia. However, because there is no literal, physical death in these situations, the grief that these types of losses can cause is not always recognized or accepted. Group support, in addition to counseling, for these types of losses can be very helpful and validating.

Disenfranchised grief can also occur when the griever is not recognized, because it is incorrectly assumed that he or she is not capable of grief. Examples include children, people with dementia, roommates in nursing homes, and people with developmental disabilities. Everyone experiences loss and grief, and a person’s level of cognitive development or dysfunction must be taken into account in providing support and counseling.

Those experiencing disenfranchised grief may lack the social (or societal) support necessary to face the pain of grief and accommodate it, and if the relationship has been severed or not openly acknowledged, there are often no bereavement rituals or outlets for expression to help the disenfranchised griever cope with the loss (Rando, 1988). Indeed, the “very nature of disenfranchised grief creates additional problems for grief, while removing or minimizing sources of support” (Doka, 1989, p. 7). The support of a grief counselor or group can be of great help for those experiencing the complications of disenfranchised grief, so that the loss can be validated and the grief transformed into healing and growth.

References

Doka, K., ed. (1989). Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. New York: Lexington Books.

Rando, T. (1988). How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. New York: Bantam Books.

by

Mind the Gap: Living in the Space Between Loss and Healing

One of the most difficult phases in any life transition is the space of the unknown between a loss or change, and healing or new beginning.  All life changes, even positive ones, entail a sense of loss or grief.  For example, there is a sense of loss in giving up addictive behaviors like cigarette smoking, despite the fact that the change is a positive one.  Even the change of getting a better job or promotion entails loss — you might be giving up security, relationships and the comfort of the known in making such a change.  The most difficult changes involve the death of a loved one or death of a relationship.

Our lives are always in transition.  Every breath we take involves a transition, from inhaling to exhaling, to the gap or space before the next inhalation.     After the end of a phase in our lives, we have a tendency to jump into something (or someone) new, because that space of the unknown can be so uncomfortable.  William Bridges (1980) calls this space the “neutral zone.” As Bridges explains (p. 112), “one of the difficulties of being in transition in the modern world is that we have lost our appreciation for this gap in the continuity of existence.  For us, emptiness represents only the absence of something.  So, when the something is as important as relatedness and purpose and reality, we try to find ways of replacing those missing elements as quickly as possible.”

Resting in the space of the neutral zone — feeling the pain of our loss, exploring our options, getting to know ourselves on a deeper level — is the key to transformation and growth.   How can we sit in that space of the unknown that feels anything but neutral, without giving in to the impulse to do something?  The first step is to be rather than do, which sounds much easier than it is, until we develop some friendliness toward ourselves and our anxiety.  Notice the impulse, and instead of acting on it, explore it with curiosity:  Where do you feel it in your body?  What is it telling you?  Breathe into it and let it be without having to change it in any way.

Mindfulness meditation, especially mindful breathing, is very helpful in learning how to be in the gap or neutral zone:  Feel the cool air entering your nostrils on the in-breath.  Pause and then feel the warm air leaving your nostrils on the out-breath.  Notice in particular how the out-breath dissolves and experience the space before your next in-breath.

Journaling can also be helpful in navigating the neutral zone.  Journaling helps us get those swirling emotions out of our bodies and head in a way that is workable and spacious.  We can gain some perspective on the stages of our journey — a major function of the neutral zone, and get to appreciate that time as a time for renewal.

Finding a regular time and place to be alone is also helpful in the neutral zone.  The period after a loss is a natural time to turn inward. This time of year, the barren stillness of winter, is also a natural time to turn inward.  Experience the loss of summer’s richness and the loss of the autumn leaves.  Know the gap before spring comes again as a time for renewal.  Without death, there can be no rebirth.

The Christian mystics call this gap and time of turning inward the “dark night of the soul.” It is a time to allow ourselves to feel the pain and despair that is a universal part of the human condition in the face of loss and change.  We may feel bereft and spiritually arid, and it is necessary to feel those feelings in order to transform them.  Despair can be seen as the manure from which spiritual growth and personal transformation arise.  As Michael Washburn so beautifully says in the aptly titled article The Paradox of Finding One’s Way by Losing It (1996), “It is only in the depths of despair that genuine spiritual life is found.  It is a paradox that we sometimes have to lose our way in order to find our true self.  We sometimes have to die to the world and to our worldly self before we can discover that our deepest and truest self was within us all the time.”

REFERENCES

Bridges, W. (1980). Transitions:  Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Cambridge, MA:  Perseus Books.

Washburn, M. (1996).  The Paradox of Finding One’s Way by Losing It:  The Dark Night of the Soul and the Emergence of Faith.  In Sacred Sorrows, Nelson, J.E and Nelson, A., eds. New York:  G. Putnam’s Sons.