Self-Care

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STAYING SANE IN AN INSANE WORLD

The world around us may seem chaotic and downright insane these days. Here are some tips for remaining sane amidst the world’s seeming insanity:

• Impose news and media “blackouts.” It is so easy to get caught up in the frenzy of the ever-changing news these days. Imposing limits on watching television and looking at and interacting with social media is of critical importance.

• Limit news watching to one hour a day. The 24/7 news media like CNN work by sucking you in. Resist the temptation to be glued to your television or digital news media, and limit watching to one hour a day.

• Be aware of triggers and trauma. The insanity of the world around us can make us feel unsafe and distrustful. In fact, many of my clients have been reporting an increase in anxiety and reactivation of old traumas, due to the pervasive news of sexual assaults, deceptive practices, gun violence, racism, war…and the list goes on. It is important to understand these triggers and develop self-compassion around them. Professional support can help us heal and develop a sense of safety and trust.

• Spend time with friends and family. When we are feeling stressed out, anxious or depressed, it is so easy to isolate ourselves. Be sure to make time for the people in your life who nurture and support you.

• Be mindful of negative thoughts. Negative thoughts of anger, fear, hopelessness and despair can proliferate automatically when the world around us seems chaotic. If we are not mindful about our thoughts, they can become epic novels! If you have a mindfulness meditation practice, make sure to practice and stay vigilant about discursive thoughts. If you do not have a mindfulness practice, there are many apps, such as HeadSpace that can be helpful.

• Practice self-care. Stress is exhausting, both emotionally and physically. Get a massage, take a walk in nature, cuddle with your pets and loved ones. This is particularly important for those of us in the caring professions. Do all you can to not take on the traumas and stress of clients or patients. Maintain healthy boundaries. Be mindful not to take on others’ stress or trauma by maintaining healthy boundaries. Get support from others if you are experiencing secondary trauma or overwhelm.

• Practice staying in the present moment, moment to moment. Being in the present moment is like an oasis in the desert. Mindfulness isn’t limited to sitting on a cushion. Our time “on the cushion”, so to speak, prepares us for out daily lives “off the cushion.” For example, if you are washing the dishes, be present with that: Notice how your hands feel in the soapy water. Feel the sensations of your sponge wiping the plates. When thoughts arise, simply return your attention to washing the dishes. This can be done with any daily activity, such as driving.

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 LIVING WITH A PARTNER WITH DEPRESSION OR BIPOLAR DISORDER

 

The recent suicide of Robin Williams awakened many of us to the toll depression or bipolar disorder takes not only on the afflicted person, but also on those of us who love and live with the person with a mood disorder. As the tragedy of Robin Williams illustrates, there is no such thing as being “just” depressed. Depression and other mood disorders are serious illnesses, and mental illness should be treated as seriously as physical illness. Partners of mentally ill loved ones are often thrust into the role of caregiver, and self-care is paramount.

Here are some tips for caring of yourself while caring for someone with depression, bipolar disorder or other mood disorders.

1. Set healthy boundaries. It is tempting to forget your own needs when living with someone with a mood disorder. Remember that you need to take care of yourself. If you do not, you will become resentful and may suffer burn out and your own depression.

2. Do not isolate yourself. A person with a mood disorder is likely to isolate him or herself. This is a primary symptom of the disorder. It is also often a result of the shame or guilt the depressed person feels. Make sure to maintain your friendships, work life and the activities that give you satisfaction.

3. Learn about the disorder. This will help you understand your partner and give you tools for caring about yourself while caring for your loved one. If he or she suffers from bipolar disorder, learn not to say “he is bipolar.” He or she is not their illness, but someone with an illness. Learning about the disorder will also help you to….

4. Don’t take it personally. A symptom of many mood disorders is irritability and uncontrolled anger. Do not take it personally, as hard as that may seem when your loved one is lashing out and directing his or her anger toward you. Do not argue or defend yourself at those times – it is like trying to be rational with a baby having a temper tantrum. Arguing and expressing your anger at these times will only escalate the situation. If the anger is overly hurtful, disengage, and walk away, as unemotionally as you can, while not suppressing your own feelings. You can say “I know you are hurting right now, but you are also hurting me. We’ll talk after you feel a little better.”

5. Determine if the anger is abusive, and weigh honestly whether to stay or leave. Only you know if the personal attacks are overly abusive and if they outweigh the love and good in the relationship. If you are in danger physically or emotionally, it will likely be best for you to leave the relationship. Abuse is never acceptable. Determine if the angry outbursts and behaviors are simply that or if they cross the line into abuse. If it is only occasional emotional attacks, that may be acceptable, but only you can judge how much it is affecting you and your life.

6. Take care of your own feelings and health. It is important to preserve your own health, both physical and mental, when you are living with a person with mental illness. You need to express your feelings, or you will become depressed yourself. Allow yourself a good cry, take a walk, hit a pillow or stamp your feet to get the feelings out. It is best not to do this in front of your loved one, as this may result in further guilt, shame and depression for him or her. Talk to a trusted friend. Get professional counseling for yourself. Get a massage. Exercise. Stay connected to your spiritual community.

7. Do not try to “cure” or “fix” your loved one. He or she may hope, whether consciously or unconsciously, that you will be a savior/rescuer and cure the illness. Remember that this is not your role or job. Remind your loved one of this gently and firmly, and suggest professional help. This is a big piece in setting a healthy boundary. Do not nag about that, as tempting as that may be.  Make suggestions once, avoiding the word” should.” He or she will hear you, and may just not be ready to take the necessary steps toward healing. Remember that only your loved one can choose to get the help he or she needs, and forcing him or her into therapy or into taking other steps will backfire if he or she is not ready to commit to the process.

8. Do not feel guilty about your loved one’s depression or other mood disorder. Remember that you are not responsible for it. Offer support, understanding and love, and again, don’t take it personally.

9. Do not make excuses for your loved one. Unfortunately, the negative symptoms of a mood disorder, such as undue anger, irritability and self-isolation, often spill over into other areas of your loved one’s and can affect your relationships with others. Let your loved one know that you will not make dishonest excuses, while assuring him or her that you will not divulge confidential information. If we all start saying “We would love to see you, but my partner is dealing with depression and is unable to go out tonight” we will begin to take away the stigma associated with mental illness. We have no problem excusing ourselves when we have a cold – why should it be any different with symptoms of a mental illness?

10. Be willing to engage in activities without your loved one. This goes hand in hand with not isolating yourself. If your loved one’s illness prevents him or her from keeping a social commitment, go yourself, especially if it is a commitment with a friend or community that nurtures you.

11. Have compassion for yourself, and acknowledge the good you are doing. Living with someone with a mental illness is a difficult challenge. Know that staying with your loved one and acting in the best interest of both yourself and your partner are acts of courage and compassion. Remember that you cannot have compassion for another unless you have compassion first and foremost for yourself.

 

 

 

 

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Mind the Gap: Living in the Space Between Loss and Healing

One of the most difficult phases in any life transition is the space of the unknown between a loss or change, and healing or new beginning.  All life changes, even positive ones, entail a sense of loss or grief.  For example, there is a sense of loss in giving up addictive behaviors like cigarette smoking, despite the fact that the change is a positive one.  Even the change of getting a better job or promotion entails loss — you might be giving up security, relationships and the comfort of the known in making such a change.  The most difficult changes involve the death of a loved one or death of a relationship.

Our lives are always in transition.  Every breath we take involves a transition, from inhaling to exhaling, to the gap or space before the next inhalation.     After the end of a phase in our lives, we have a tendency to jump into something (or someone) new, because that space of the unknown can be so uncomfortable.  William Bridges (1980) calls this space the “neutral zone.” As Bridges explains (p. 112), “one of the difficulties of being in transition in the modern world is that we have lost our appreciation for this gap in the continuity of existence.  For us, emptiness represents only the absence of something.  So, when the something is as important as relatedness and purpose and reality, we try to find ways of replacing those missing elements as quickly as possible.”

Resting in the space of the neutral zone — feeling the pain of our loss, exploring our options, getting to know ourselves on a deeper level — is the key to transformation and growth.   How can we sit in that space of the unknown that feels anything but neutral, without giving in to the impulse to do something?  The first step is to be rather than do, which sounds much easier than it is, until we develop some friendliness toward ourselves and our anxiety.  Notice the impulse, and instead of acting on it, explore it with curiosity:  Where do you feel it in your body?  What is it telling you?  Breathe into it and let it be without having to change it in any way.

Mindfulness meditation, especially mindful breathing, is very helpful in learning how to be in the gap or neutral zone:  Feel the cool air entering your nostrils on the in-breath.  Pause and then feel the warm air leaving your nostrils on the out-breath.  Notice in particular how the out-breath dissolves and experience the space before your next in-breath.

Journaling can also be helpful in navigating the neutral zone.  Journaling helps us get those swirling emotions out of our bodies and head in a way that is workable and spacious.  We can gain some perspective on the stages of our journey — a major function of the neutral zone, and get to appreciate that time as a time for renewal.

Finding a regular time and place to be alone is also helpful in the neutral zone.  The period after a loss is a natural time to turn inward. This time of year, the barren stillness of winter, is also a natural time to turn inward.  Experience the loss of summer’s richness and the loss of the autumn leaves.  Know the gap before spring comes again as a time for renewal.  Without death, there can be no rebirth.

The Christian mystics call this gap and time of turning inward the “dark night of the soul.” It is a time to allow ourselves to feel the pain and despair that is a universal part of the human condition in the face of loss and change.  We may feel bereft and spiritually arid, and it is necessary to feel those feelings in order to transform them.  Despair can be seen as the manure from which spiritual growth and personal transformation arise.  As Michael Washburn so beautifully says in the aptly titled article The Paradox of Finding One’s Way by Losing It (1996), “It is only in the depths of despair that genuine spiritual life is found.  It is a paradox that we sometimes have to lose our way in order to find our true self.  We sometimes have to die to the world and to our worldly self before we can discover that our deepest and truest self was within us all the time.”

REFERENCES

Bridges, W. (1980). Transitions:  Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Cambridge, MA:  Perseus Books.

Washburn, M. (1996).  The Paradox of Finding One’s Way by Losing It:  The Dark Night of the Soul and the Emergence of Faith.  In Sacred Sorrows, Nelson, J.E and Nelson, A., eds. New York:  G. Putnam’s Sons.

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Coping with Grief During the Holidays

The holiday season is upon us.  This time of year can be particularly difficult for those who are grieving the death of a loved one, and can revive or intensify one’s grief even after many years have passed.  Here are my top ten tips for coping with grief during the holiday season:

1.  Spend time with family and friends.

2.  Spend some “alone time” to reflect.

3.  Light a candle in your loved one’s honor.

4.  Volunteer your time to help others, with the intention that your are giving in honor of

your loved one.

5.  Tell stories about the life of your loved one.

6.  Write a letter to your loved one.

7.  Express your feelings through journaling or art.

8.  Make a donation to your loved one’s favorite charity or group.

9.  Have a party for the deceased with people who loved him or her, play his or her

favorite music and prepare his or her favorite foods.

10. Take care of yourself — buy yourself flowers, take a trip out of town, get a massage,

read a book, take a walk, and have a date with yourself.